madeofglass

i’m in a good mood. this has to do with it being another sunny day, feeling on the side of well rested for the hour, and tripp’s good news.

i had my first midterm of the semester yesterday. i didn’t screw it up but i didn’t have time to make the middle section decent. i really wanted to do well in that class so its a shame. it was a tiring day yesterday between the midterm, yoga, and going to a movie screening starting at 9..and attempting to do homework when i got home sometime after 11.
this morning i recieved an evil essay assignment. the maximum length i think will be too short to compress my thoughts into. i haven’t had much work in this class so far but i’m a bit annoyed because in the next two weeks we have two papers due for it. it is going to be a major challenge to get all of my big assignments done with before tripp gets here.

this week has gone by quickly. i hope i can make time slow down for the weekend.

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suggested track: “born stubborn” by sepultura

i just handed in my TA application 15 minutes ago. i just feel… blah. i’m scared shitless. i want an assistantship so bad, and it makes me so nervous. i feel like every little thing needs to be perfect, and i don’t feel every little thing i have is perfect. i hope my slides are good enough. that’s all i need for the interview… good slides. i’ll feel more confident if i get one. now the waiting begins. i’ve been stressing about this for weeks. and will continue to. i’ve been having all kinds of crazy dreams where it’s the first day of teaching, and i’m unprepared, my students are unruly, etc. i wake up every morning obsessing about my slides, and the whole process in general. fuck. i’m glad to have it out of my hands, but i want decisions to be made quickly. i want to say i’ll be able to think straight and function now, but i doubt that.

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i’m trying to remain upbeat. my omi, my grandmother in germany, disovered a round
solid lump last week. she’s having a needle biopsy today. the probability is cancer. in the course of this conversation
my mom also told me that her grandfather, my omi’s dad, also died of cancer, they think. (the uncertainty is due to the fact that in previous decades, cancer was taboo and largley underdiagnosed.)
if omi’s biopsy comes back malignant, in all probability she will not be given chemo, because her body would probably not withstand the treatment. i have such a pit in my stomach as i consider this, and as
i also consider my looming appoinment at the gynocologist in 2 weeks. i don’t want it all to match up like a big terrible puzzle.

i’ve been able to put the appointment and its potential ramifications out of my mind for the most part recently. but when it does come popping up in my conscious thoughts it certainly packs a wallop.

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Today, Skate Nation invited us to “chill out in the coolest place in town,” with a fifteen page packet of flourescent paper ads, the most exciting being an ad for “Broomball,” apparently a cross between curling and hockey which allows you to have fun and at the same time be “physically challenged.” Broomball, not just for the special olympics any more.

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is that they tend to be too pro-consumer. Which is why Bush wants to replace the president of a consumer advocate with someone who’s more pro-business. Smart thinking. The new guy is also from Texas.

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a rock slides, a bead moves, the light shines differently. and the whole picture changes. i’m not sure how to handle life anymore. letting myself get caught up in the silly, the everyday, the normal – then getting yanked back into my own room, my own place where nothing else matters. i promise i am trying as hard as i can to be good and be normal and to smile and not pity myself and find my life so much worse than anyone else’s. but i am bitter, and so jealous, of so many people around me. so i pull myself up a few steps higher and further and i find myself alone. on top of the totem pole for being scared and for tears shed, but unbelievably alone. because i don’t know what else to do. HOW else to do.

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it might be gross. it might fall under too much information. but its my site. so im allowed.

this morning i passed no blood. for the first time in roughly 3 months. tomorrow is my followup with the doctor. im convinced then, that the medication ive been on is working. so maybe i wont need my colon removed, at least just yet.
not that ive been overly concerned.

its almost sad on some level to me that i never have dreams of my grandmother like my sister has been having. maybe jealous is a better word. though to be fair, i havent rememebered many of mine in the last few weeks. i chalk it up to…too many other things on my mind.

i filmed my first set of boobs last night. im doing a video piece on them. i was worried about the creepiness factor of videotaping girls taking their shirts off, but it really wasnt there. i think i felt more invasive than creepy. which is the point of my being there. not of the piece, but of me remaining in the room. im confronting it, participating in the piece. i think thats important, esp when its a piece as loaded and dangerous as this one.

i wish i had more to say in this update. i unsatisfied with it, but itll have to do. least you can be happy knowing im maybe not as sick as i could be. ill find out for sure tomorrow.

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