so this is the last day of 2004. at least in america it is. it is already 2005 in most of the middle east and europe.

we are having some friends over for drinks. a little champagne, and will probably watch whatever is going on in times square. damn, i just remembered that one of my ads is going up in times square jan 1. ah, that would be so cool to see it during the nye celebrations on tv.

i finally framed and finished two of my paintings today. well, okay they’re almost finished now. there is some touch up black paint that needs to be added to the frames, and i miscalculated the length of 2 sides of one of the paintings, but for now, they are on the wall and look so much better than they did before.

i sold one of my drumsets today. sold it to a guy from DC who is just learning to play. He looked mid 20s and said he had been a stagehand for Guster and Carbon Leaf. pretty cool guy. hope he enjoys the kit.

i am going to go put something in my stomach now so I’m not a complete lightweight tonight.

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it is the last day of 2004.

it is not an understatement to say that this has been the hardest year of my life. that it has been long and tough and unfun.

dates dont mean much to me. im terrible at things like birthdays. i am not terribly good about getting around to buying presents (which has a bit to do with why rachael and i are not trading holiday presents for like the 3rd year in a row).

but i am terribly superstitious. i do take routine, methods and beliefs pretty seriously. (a fact that no doubt chafes at kurt.)

so i am hoping that the significance of a new year means something, even if the new calendar flipping bit means nothing.

heres hoping that the next year improves.

and now for something completely different.

there is an art to wearing jeans.

they are tricky business, jeans are.

the correct cut and fit and style are not considered by a lot of people i am sure. most people dont think too much about buying a specific pair. they buy what fits, whats cheap, what they like.

but having lived in la for several years now, having gone to nyc on a semi-regular basis, being in these cities where people take pride in their appearance, i can tell you that there are expections. that there is an art of buying jeans.

and when it works, when a girl has a perfect pair of jeans, it goes a long way.

i notice this now. i have noticed all break, being back in richmond.

i have only seen a few pair.

but right now, there is a girl with a perfect pair of jeans sitting with her mom across from me in panera bread co. she is blond. fashionable. college aged. i tried not to stare too much. and she just walked out.

but i wanted to comment on jeans, on fashion a little. and appreciating it — moreso here even where these things are not usually considered it seems.

(i went into wal-mart this morning to return an item. [not like this.] i carried my bag with my mac, cause im paranoid about leaving it in the car. i wore my ipod. and for perhaps the first time in my life, i wasnt as scared to be in that store. i felt in control of my space. i felt like i had taken back a little part of myself and i had control. it was nice. i likened it in my head to walking around an ugly, artifical nyc. [big shelves, walkways and crowds.] its a horrible comparasion, i admit. but i made it in and out ok.)

(oh and blockbuster [whom i do hate, but will use when it suits me] is having a buy 2, get 1 free sale on all previously played video games. i picked up mario sunshine, animal crossing and mario party 4 for a total of 30 bucks. leaving behind, for now, soul caliber 2, resident evil 0 and rogue squadron 2. stock up if you need to. at ten bucks a game, you cant go wrong.)

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My grandfather has just been diagnosed with cancer; he has a five-inch tumor in his abdomen. The doctor says chemotherapy is the only way to go; that he will become increasingly fatigued; that his days will be cut shorter and shorter (even as nature would have them lengthen) and that his nights will be sleepless; that what little hair he had (including lashes and brows) will soon be gone. The doctor says we’ll understand better when it comes to pass. I tell him I don’t want to understand better. But then, I guess we all have our ways of dealing with it.

I leave first thing in the morning. I’ll be in Eugene and out of commission indefinitely. There’s no other place for me to be than with him.

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big thanks to my old pal for coming out tonight – i realize what a big sacrifice it was for you.

apparently now everyone is coming over here tomorrow night – word. except for the cabin-bound, dc-contingent. i guess i’m not even a fringe part of that anymore. though i will not pretend that my feelings were not hurt. thanks.

happy 2005, everyone.

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headline:

http://www.guampdn.com/news/stories/20041229/localnews/1797901.html

content: Ship to sail for Sri Lanka

check it out…Matt’s ship has been redirected (possibly for a long time). let’s pray he stays there the whole time to help out. They need the help. Neither of us can believe how devestating this is. Anyway, Matt might be able to write soon but they’re still keeping him very busy. I’m pretty sure he said he won’t have New Year’s day off…so there still is little to no time to write. He misses you all, though.

Happy New Year!

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the day after christmas my family drove to my aunt’s house in southwest virginia to see relatives. we dont normally travel over christmas but i really wanted to come down here and everyone came along, which was great. they left on my birthday, the 28th, and i stayed here, which was not planned. i decided the night of the 27th that id rather hang out here since i havent been here in years than go back and sit on the couch watching mtv at home all day. since i have no money to be spending right now, i knew id just end up being at home too unmotivated to clean out my room (i clean it out every single time i come home…but it isnt where id like it to be yet…). so im here. we’ve done a lot of driving around town. ive taken lots of pictures. ive been feeding the horses with my uncle in the morning, then going down to the barn with him to feed the cats, the donkey, the geese, the cattle. it’s nice.

we eat really well here. i think i’ll gain at least five pounds this week. maybe more. which is annoying, but i know the yale gym is waiting for me when i come back, so im not fretting. my aunt is a great cook and it’s nice to have homecooked meals that i dont have to come up with myself.

there is a dog here named chico who my mother calls ‘needy’ (he needs lots of attention) who has become my friend. i love dogs. aside from taking pictures, eating, driving around, and going to the barn, i also decided to knit a scarf today. i have learned to knit before but didnt really remember so we got out a couple books an di attempted. i failed miserably, but my uncle, whose mother taught him to knit, got a good start on a little scarf. i pulled out all of my progress at the end of the night and will begin again tomorrow. other plans for the week include getting a board for my desk at school to ease my back pains, finishing reading ‘the mezzanine,’ giving chico a bath, and going home on monday.

which makes it official – this break i will have done absolutely nothing for my birthday (except a great cake my aunt and cousins made), nothing for new year’s, and no christmas eve mass… but even without these celebrations, i have had a wonderful break. much-needed, and very well-spent.

love to all. happy birthday to chris, thanks for the ecard petunia, and a big shout-out to my brother, whose company i had to forego to stay here this week.

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this week was so unbearingly slow. a good thing since i was exhausted from the weekend. yet, another weekend of supposedly festive events is upon us. a few people are coming over tomorrow night, so it should be fun, but laid back at the same time. what i really want to do this weekend is spend a lot of time painting and catching up on projects that I’ve meant to do.

had lunch with tripp today. it was really great to see him. he looks healthy and just like i remember him. it’s been what, a year or two now since we had seen each other? we had pizza at jo jo’s downtown. he had the camera on his head the whole time, which is cool because i totally support his project, but it’s also weird. weird because it takes some time to get used to. it’s like trying to talk to someone and all you can think about when they’re talking to you is the huge mole on their forehead. while i am talking to tripp, it was like 50% of my attention was on what we were talking about, and 50% is just thinking, “everything we do and say is being recorded”. the whole concept does bring about interesting behaviors. it is amazing for instance how much you say day to day to your friends that you wouldn’t want broadcast to the world.

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