just when things were settling down at school – the kids were getting used to me, i was really beginning to know and understand and enjoy them- one of my students came to me this morning near tears. she thrust her program (schedule) and told me she wasn’t in my class anymore. sure enough, the new program had her listed in a double period class with the other english teacher. she continued to wail that ‘everyone else’ (ie, the rest of the students in her mainstreamed inclusion class) has been switched, too. no one had talked to me about any changes, so I had no idea what was going on and set out to find out. i finally tracked down an administrator –the man who recruited me, actually – and his eyes widened in surprise when I told him what was going on. not because of the actual program changes but because no one –my assistant principal in particular- never came to me to tell me –or any of the other affected teachers- what was going on.

apparently, the decision was made (by whom? no one will take accountability for it) that since many of my special ed kids had not passed the english regents yet, they would be better off in a class with a teacher with more regents experience. i see this logic, but am so frustrated with this system, where all of a sudden i lose a double period of 20 kids i have come to see as ‘mine’, to be replaced by 2 single periods of kids who are strangers to me. and if it’s that jarring for me, what about the kids themselves? the whole situation is —— up, and i am irate that no one bothered to inform any teachers of this and we wound up learning about the changes through the students.

i’ve already grown to love my ragtag group of kids and resent that they’re being pulled from my room. i am a good teacher and know that I could prepare them for the regents. it broke my heart to have a bunch of them swarm around me during the class change, upset about the change and heartbroken that they wouldn’t be able to do their skits in class today (we are doing a TV-talk-show-type-reunion-special that takes place 5 years after the end of the book we just read). they looked to me for solace and answers, but i had none. that’s an awful way to feel.

at my old school if something like this had even threatened to happen, i’d be in the office lodging a formal complaint and rallying my colleagues to help fight a bad decision, but here i barely know which is end is up sometimes. my dad keeps telling me as newbie it’s not a good idea to rock the boat, but what if i really, really think it needs rocking?

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So, like many of the people on the site, I’ve been pretty silent lately. I’m tongue-tied. So many things have happened over the last month. I’m still in the throes of processing all of it. On top of that, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about disclosure–who I’m willing to tell what, when, how, why, et cetera. It feels like such a cold exercise, strategizing about relationships this way, but it also feels so necessary.

I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to.

Classes themselves are going swimmingly. At the moment, I’m trying to get my shit together enough to start working on the paper I’ve got due next week, but that never quite works out the way I might hope.

The long and the short of it is I’ve not got much to say, but I’m still alive. So that’s something.

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there is a large part of me that has not enjoyed the last few months. i have been in a holding pattern since graduation. i am still in a holding pattern. and i feel that because of this, my tongue is tied when it comes to posting on the site.

its no surprise. but there have been so many little things, little stories that i havent been able to talk freely about. this will change, in time. but it is still frustrating to me.

the lesson i have learned the last few days is this: the front page of the site gets hammered compared to the rest of the site. im not sure how to balance that out yet.

things i have been enjoying: ‘lost’, ‘best week ever’ (back from their vacation), ‘mystery science theater 3k’, the new ’showcase presents: superman’ book (569 pages of silver age superman stories for 9.99), puke shorts (may the legend never die), cool dhtml (redesign, cough, redesign) and ‘castlevania: symphony of the night’.

i almost feel sad that my week (the parts i can post on here) consists of the media that i have consumed and some neat programming tricks ive done.

enough wallowing – now i get to go see art clokey (gumby dammit!) talk at usc. werd up to keren for inviting me. woohoo!

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i found a meatloaf tape years ago and put it in. the music reminds me of my father…it was his tape after all. when i made my song list for the wedding to give to the DJ i told her she needed to have “paradise under the dashboard lights” ready to play. later in the evening would work fine, but it must be played before the wedding ended. i explained that it was a tradition with my father’s friends. she asked if i was ok with this…i laughed. when it comes to my father and his friends there is little that gets me upset. they are just that dear to me and that crazy. i ended up dancing to that song at the wedding with my mom…not my father…and we whirled and laughed. she is a great dancer. it felt like a union between the two worlds, of my mom and my dad, worlds that at this point are so separate i have a hard time recalling when they were one. it is a great song…if you can take meatloaf. all the more so when played at a wedding…adds the perfect touch of irony.

it is rainy here in chitown. i am use to getting out in the late afternoon to walk, explore the neighborhood, and get some air. instead, i organized the place a bit more. we are now almost fully moved in…though i am still wondering where jason is going to put his sweaters as i have taken over the entire new wardrobe that arrived today. i need to downsize on clothing. i know this. i say it, but i don’t do it. i still have stuff from high school in my closet…it is time to move on! why the attachment to such old and often out of date things…memories maybe…parts of me in the fibers of the fabric that i am not willing to part with. why do any of us hold on to so much stuff? just give me a good enough reason so i can sell the idea to jason.

the white stripes just came on the ipod. we saw them in concert here in chicago, two days in a row. the husband LOVES them. i must say, i went into the events thinking they were OK, not siked about the shows though…and left a fan. we were in the front row…we could see jack and meg interact with each other, the crowd, their music, how they smiled at one another, how they sweated, the tea they drank…their humanness. i loved that…and loved seeing jason’s goofy “i am in heaven” smile as he watched the show. he looked like such a dork…and i loved him so completely for it.

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friday night fights presents

this is going on this friday, if you want tickets you can go through the site or hit me up, my school sells them as well. should be a lot of fun, got a little group together to go. one of my classmates is competing in one of the muay thai matches.

peace

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i haven’t posted in quite awhile. reasons being because in the past month i have:
1) been laid off from my job.
2) found another job.
3) taken a much needed vacation to the beaches of OBX.
4) attended 2 close friends weddings.
5) been working 10 hour days.
6) either been too busy at work or not near a computer to post.

regardless, this pretty much sums up what i have been doing lately. things are good, i am happy.

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so the attendance concerns at my school are crazy. i’d say on most days i have about 75% of the students i should have, and the students who are absent are chronically so. there are abolutely no repercussions for absenteeism or tardiness – and i’m not talking running into the class a minute or two after it starts. more like missing the first 40 minutes of an 86 minute class. my regular classroom management style kinda gets thrown out the window when there’s no one behind me.

the kids are good, though. i enjoy them. i smile and have my teachable moments every day, and that’s half the reason i teach to begin with. the students aren’t really the ones that create the challenges for me – more like the environment in which they learn and in which i am to teach. i am all about accountability, but it’s a challenge to hold that torch high without backup.

to view the even bigger picture, i can’t decide if it’s my school that’s really f-ed up, or the system as a whole. if the latter, there’s an amazing sense of david and goliath .

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