usually i keep postings from the same day in the same entry, but i am so far now from where i was when i last wrote that i felt i deserved a new beginning. that’s what this day, this eve, is supposed to be all about anyway, right?

although my NYE has officially been changed to tomorrow and i am way okay with that. the emotional rollercoaster of the last week day seems to have finally ground to a stop, and has left me -dare i say it?- happy. as close to it i can get in the middle of one very crazy situation.

this is probably the first new years in 10 years i haven’t had a drop to drink, am not out revelling with my laughing, drinking friends. and it’s okay. it’s more than okay. i like that i ended up at home with my father tonight and that i didn’t leave him here by himself, even if he did only make it to 10 o’clock. so maybe i don’t like that the drought of ‘05 made it all the way to dec 31, but that will be okay, too.

of course, the nagging part of me in the recesses of my heart and mind is already trying to speak up – that if tomorrow is all i have hoped for, that leaving to go back to NY on monday will be that much harder. but i am trying to shut the nagger up and just breathe and go with the moment. how very zen. maybe that should be my new year’s resolution.

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2005 is almost over. i am 31 today. i am married and pregnant. my brother and soon to be sister in law are on their way to our place for the new year. we are cooking in. a huge meal. i hope to feel up to eating more of it than usual these days. i am hungry often, yet once i sit to eat i have a hard time getting the food down. not sure what this is called…other than a pain in the ass.

i am feeling less reflective today than i usually do at years end. it has been an eventful and good year. i am happy. is it just the lack of trouble to look back on that keeps me from reflecting. or the fact that i have had the luxury of time to reflect often this past year…thus less is left to mull over. who knows. maybe it is just the dull ache in my head that keeps me here in the present. sad…if that is true…since this moment is everything, past, present, and future.

the holidays at home were busy and stressful, though wonderful too. on top of much running back and forth between reston (mom) and Alexandria (dad) i had a sick bunny to nurse. he is better now, but for a week we were feeding him with a small plastic syringe. he hated this. as i look over and see him sitting under the table in the family room cleaning himself i realize that i can’t imagine looking over and not seeing him there. it is so easy to fully love a pet. jason and i sing to destino (the bunny), make up songs about him, rush to see him each morning. i am waiting for the songs to start about the baby. maybe when the belly grows.

i wish you all a happy new year and a blessing filled 2006.

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i relly feel as though i have been run over my a truck. hit by a steamroller. some metaphor like that indicating i am tired, confused, hurt, and that it all came out of nowhere. this is, however, better than yesterday’s feeling, which was more anxious to the point of getting sick and then just wanting to drown in tears. i’d rather feel numb than feel like that.

maybe it won’t be such a bad thing that tonight is new year’s. maybe it will help me to be all symbolic about closing one chapter of my life and making a fresh start and not making stupid ——- mistakes anymore. maybe i will go to sleep tonight and wake up and it will be 2006 and i will be able to put everything behind me, and 2005 will seem like a long time ago.

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madeofglass.com web form – “I love you in wont to fuck you”

You don’t love me, you just love my doggie-style.

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i went to walmart tonight, kind of by accident. i had been to target, and got a few things, and they were closing as i was shopping and i was nearly the last out of the store. only to realize id forgotten a couple things. so i went to walmart just to get them out of the way. and i was greeted with ugly people…teenagers with babies, people buying their kids junk they didnt need, rednecks in hunting clothes yelling on cell phones. i really never want to shop there again.

im going to watch _you, me and everyone we know in a few minutes. i rented it while i was out. i hope it’s good.

since ive been sleeping so much lately (ie, 10 or 11 hours almost every night since ive been home), ive been having crazy dreams. very realistic and real-life. which is kind of odd. usually i dream about impossible events. but most of my recent dreams have been about the studio at school. last night i dreamt that i had to write a huge paper for my academic class and i wasnt sure i could get it done. and then someone did a really stupid project that was a projection on the wall in one of the bathrooms at school. and then i fake-remembered that prelims have to pass their first year or they arent invited back for the second or third years, and i got worried about my friend bethany. she worked with me at geo and now sits next to me in the studio (a complete accident) and i got very sad about the idea that she might not be returning for the next two years. but then i woke up and realized that isnt actually true; no one really fails in the program.

tomorrow night i think im going to some parties with my parents and then over to alex’s house to see him and thomas. it should be a quiet evening, which is what i am looking for. i hate the idea that new year’s is some huge event. wherever i am living in a few years, i want to have a new year’s dinner party that lasts all night. and i want it to be a tradition…good wine, good friends, good music, good clothes, good food, good apartment, good time.

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petunia posted a condensed version of the story, but ill go one farther with some pics.

she complained of a scab on the back of her head. i didnt want to pick at something that was trying to heal, but upon closer examination, it appears to be pointy — as if a group of hairs had clumped, forming a cone/point. she made me get the digital camera so she could see what i was seeing — this was on the back of her head.

this is what i saw:

she had me get tweezers and after some scurrying around, i found some. and she leaned over. and i grabbed it. and pulled.

and the trauma began. the thing started coming out of her head. it wasnt a scab. and, unlike pulling hair or a group of hairs — this thing was actually getting bigger as i pulled. bigger as i pulled.

it was every bad sci fi movie ive ever seen. i was watching her skin stretch around this thing as i pulled it out. i freaked. and stopped pulling. (i still get the shivers thinking about it now.)

it seems that it hurt her, but she had a brave face and i didnt know until later. she just sat up and started rubbing her head. i was still trying to figure out what this was and where it had come from. what do you have under your scalp that is bigger under the skin?

she has me look again and now, like she said, it has gone back into head. this is where i really get nervous. is it alive? am i doing the wrong thing by pulling? how did it sink back in?

carter had gone out, my parents were asleep. i finally get her to let me wake up my mom and she comes out. she takes a look and determines its a thorn. in her head, under her scalp. and it seems my mom got one like this a couple of weeks ago. seems she was under a plant, petting a dog or something and leaned up and the thron went into the back of her head.

so my mom gets the tweezers and pulls. petunia said it didnt hurt this second time, i imagine i had pulled the skin on her scalp enough by this point.

after a couple of seconds, the thorn pops out. its huge. and looked like this:

though to be fair, this is after my mom broke off the end point with the tweezers, so it was actually longer than this. and in the wrong way. under her scalp. and she doesnt know where it came from.

im serious. i might be scarred for life. it seriously is how i imagine pulling a ringworm out. except shorter. oh yuck, i feel sick.

but shes ok. no blood though her head was sore. but so so so weird.

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richmond yesterday was good. i saw almost everyone on my list, though didn’t make it downtown for drinks after all. my stamina waned after about 10 hours out ansd about.

the weirdest part of the day, by far, was after dinner at the millicans when tripp and i were just sitting around talking and i had him look at this bump i felt on my head. he investigated it (i imagine this looked something like babboons grooming each other, which is kind of cute), and explained that the bump causing my pain looked like a little spine – prickle type thing. i made him poke at it with tweezers and take pictures of it with his digital camera so i could see it. here’s the freaky part, that made me nauseous and feel not unlike the part in “alien” where you first realize the alien is in her stomach. tripp pulled at the spiny thing with the tweezers, it hurt like mad, and in his words, “it made a horn.” so what was once a bump on my scalp was now like a bigger cone-shaped pointy thing. tripp was freaked out and dancing around in small panic, which freaked me out further. i kept trying to feel the bump and imagine what it looked like, and when tripp looked at it again after i touched it, the horn had receded back into my head more panic ensued, along with a brief argument about whether or not tripp should wake up his parents to come assess the situation and help.

my already overactive imagination shifted swiftly into overdrive, and i was completely thinking i had a tick or mini-leech on my scalp that might be boring into my brain. i finally let him go wake up his mom, who came into the room, pulled the thing out with a quick tug of the tweezers, and pronounced that it was a thorn, and that she had had a thorn stuck on her just the week before. tripp took pictures of the thorn post-removal, with my fingers and tweezers next to it, for scale. so so weird.

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