this was an old ice cream stand that i noticed while exploring east williamsburg one day a few months ago.

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gone through two flipouts today and it’s only 5.30pm. one was financial – finding out my tax returns were not right and finding out the $951 rebate i was anticipating will probably not come to fruition. let’s just say that my financial situation for the next few weeks has me in a raman-noodle-ville. you’d think at 28 i could get my shit together when it comes to money. but no. i spend frivolously, buy too much of everything, and lend when i feel its worth it.

the second freakout was yet another todd-related worry session where for approximately the hundredth time i wondered wtf i am doing planning on another year in new york when he is in virginia.

i hate that i am such an emotional responder. that the tears fall and the blood pressure rises and my stomach starts twisting and turning but it’s always something just going on in my head. how i wish to be calm and level-headed, able to leap problems and difficult situations with a single bound, sans tears and hysteria. i react to things i am thinking about as if they are actual physical threats to my current well-being. once outside the original panic, i can see how ridiculous this is.

occasionally, though, these flipouts result in some insights. or maybe it’s just talking to someone (who actually makes sense) during them. and here is my ephiphany. for so long i made decisions based on my mother’s illness. where to go to school, where to live, basically what to do with my life. i don’t regret these decisions. but after she died i didn’t have that focus anymore, and it was something i kind of relied upon as a guide upon which choices were made.

weirdly, i think i yearn for that now. for some direction. someone or something to base my decisions on. i think i look at todd and his son and i subconsciously see the stability i want for myself. it’s a ready-made family unit, to boot – something i obviously feel like i’ve been lacking without my mom.

and all this fights with my logical side that admits that it’s far too soon to made any big decisions like moving based on a relationship that is, in its present entity, only a few months old. if a friend told me they were considering relocating to live with a new boyfriend who lived a few states away, i wouldn’t think it was a good idea. but when it comes to me, i feel like this must be so different than that. but that’s a trap i think everyone falls for – thinking their own situations and feelings are completely unique. it makes it less special to be the same as who other people have gone through.

what makes gives me right to assume that what i feel has to be bigger, better, stronger, more everything than something that happened to you?

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For your reference: you can now download Stephen Colbert’s address to the White House Correspondents Association in its entirety. Good times!

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right, so i turned 30 a week ago. and, for the life of me, i wasnt sure what you do on a 30th. a trip to nyc got canned, a trip to la seemed complicated. so hanging out in mountain view it was.

the plan became drinks and barbque at kurts, with brinker coming over when he got off work.

(this picture was taken right with this one by kurt.)

a nice picture of roxy.

brinker was appointed grillmaster, due to my already having a few drinks and him being hungry. while it ended up working ok, it was perhaps a dangerous move.

me with my cake. and no, i didnt get all my candles blown out. no wishes for me this year it seems. i think thats what happens when you are old.

that was followed by puttputt, where i downed another beer of the worst kind and set out on the course.

the course is right next to the highway, so i kept threatening to throw balls onto the road. i didnt, but the pictures were at least amusing.

afterwards, brinker bailed and the 3 of us decided to hit a strip club. sadly, it was 1.30am and the cover was still 20 bucks — for like 20 minutes. just not worth it. so we headed down castro street in mountain view, which has many of the bars on it.

the first, molly mcghees, wanted us to drop a 5 buck cover even though we had 15 minutes before last call.

so we ended up a the pizza place down the street and kicked back a few beers. it was a little odd, the people there and such, but a pleasant, mostly empty bar.

so i guess thats the kind of thing you do on your 30th. if youre tripp.

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it is friday night, 10:30pm in new york city. i am not going out, nor am i doing anything productive tonight. i am staying home and installing and playing this game. let the geek fest begin.

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listing

there’s a new capo on the neck of my guitar, shifting my key so i can learn to play along. i hung two huge maps on the wall last night and drank a bottle of wine with some friends. one in particular wanted a rematch at gin rummy and i politely provided her the defeat she desired. the blue skies bring out the bicyclists in the bay. while sometimes the birds seem to sing along to the guitar. barefoot on the concrete patio leaning over the lawn picking broken glass out of the grass. the hornets live in the abandoned barqecue, they built a nest there. i am uneasy coexisting with them so i am considering a preemptive strike. they have nothing to fear from me except obliteration. the backyard ain’t big enough.

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