the past three weeks were some of the worst of my life. my mother’s condition (frontal lobe dementia) worsened rapidly. which led to hospitalization. then a move to home care with me as caregiver (while i took care of finley). then to assisted living. moving my 63 year old mother to assisted living feels like swallowing fire. i feel the anger/pain burning inside me each time i think of her in her new “home”. she is too young. she is alone. she should be with me or brian, my brother. yet that isn’t realistic. she requires a level of care that we simply cannot provide. i feel powerless. the dementia is progressing quickly. it is all the more evident now that she is out of her own home. she is extremely paranoid and very unhappy. she needs constant coaching on everything. reminders. while i took care of her at her house i had to help bathe her, help dress her, hold her hand when we walked outside. i kept telling myself it was all the new medication she was on after the hospital. but her doctor burst that bubble for me last week. no. this is the dementia. i still don’t want to believe him. i want to run to find a second, third opinion. i want someone to tell me this isn’t happening.

for now i am back in ny for a break. it doesn’t feel like a break though. it still aches. i call her and hear the lost voice and feel like rushing to save her. in my mind being there saves her. in reality it doesn’t. i head back to va on thursday to see my mom. i know how it will go. i can see it. my heart will break over and over again as i am there. and the trip home will hurt. each day i realize all over again that i am powerless in the face of this awful disease.

in happier news, the kind i need now and you need after all that sadness above, i am an aunt to two beautiful baby boys. i look at their pictures often to help remind me of the peace, joy, and comfort of new life. i met them when they were 12 hours old. my heart bursts with love each time i think of them. we will go see them as a family next weekend. calvin and horold shullaw.

aw…how do i add the image here…mog help!!

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i am exhausted. it is not even 8 pm and i am ready for bed. unfortunately finley is not. but he is out with jason in the sling. we hope that puts him to sleep. the past few days have worn me out.

to address the subject of this post. my six year old rabbit has some sort of tumor on his jaw/check. it is the size of a small cherry tomato. he needs to have it removed. the results of his biopsy are not back yet so we are unsure if he has cancer. but one way or another the tumor needs to come out before it grows too big to operate and starts getting in the way of him eating. so far he is acting fine. he is energetic, curious, eating. i spend each day calling various vets in the area looking for the best one. all the while trying to keep finley happy and safe.

finley is a walking boy now. here is a link to a few videos of him walking for those of you who care to watch. he is so happy to be walking. he squeals a lot and he loves making connections with other walking children. he reached out to a small girl at the park today and tried to hold her hand. he is extremely social. he’s also really into reading books right now. he knows enough signs to “read” a few of his animal books to us. he loves it, we love it, we all laugh and make the animal sounds with the signs.

life is good…but i am tired. off to bed for me.

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can someone please tell me at what point a person should stop expecting other people to pick up their tab? jason and i have a friend here in brooklyn who never pays for anything. she doesn’t even reach for her wallet. when the check comes she just sits back and does nothing. this weekend my father and margaret were in town. she managed to join us for two meals (only one of which she was really invited to) and allow my father to pick up the entire bill. he is that kind of man. even if she offered money he would decline. but the point is she never even tried, and i don’t think she bothered a sincere thank you either. i was so frustrated that by the end of meal two i couldn’t even look at her. jason and i talked it through. he feels a the need to talk to her about this habit, especially since it is really getting in the way of our friendship. he plans on telling her simply that socially if you are out with anyone except your boyfriend or your own parents you offer to pay. but really…she is in her mid twenties and a lawyer. does she really need to be told this!!!

that said (or discharged from my annoyed brain)….we are finally back in our apartment after a week plus in VA. i am so happy to be back. it is hard to travel with a baby (ray, i agree a vacation with children is not really a vacation). jason has just over a week until work start. i am filled with emotions about that…both good and bad. life will be quiet and slow when he is gone all day. but it will be a more constant and scheduled life…and i know we all thrive when life is more regular. still the endless summer (over three months with no jobs) is about to end and we probably won’t have this much time as a family without any work for a long time to come.

as for the larger not me world…maybe today i can catch up. i haven’t seen the news in weeks. but i did catch about ten minute of the show anchorwoman. big surprise… it was axed after one show!! but for those who need to watch fox has it online (i think??).

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we are in brooklyn. we moved in on the first and spent our first night in an empty apartment on a borrowed air bed. the movers were delayed. many days later, we are well on the way to being settled. there are still boxes around, but mostly because the apartment is being painted and a new kitchen put in next week while we are back in VA. the apartment is so good. we’ve meet the downstairs neighbors (who have two young boys) and the upstairs neighbors (with two college aged kids). the way upstairs people seem anti social and glum. but we may just have caught them at a bad moment. it is a nice small community here. just four families living in this huge old mansion. we pass in the halls and talk. those who share our floors and ceilings have kids too, so they know about the noise, the fussing, the early hours. we’ve heard ofetn how nice it is to have a baby around.

prospect park is just one block away. a long block, especially now when it is so hot, but really so close. we go every morning so finley can get his fill of the dogs. he wakes up and starts talking about dogs immediately. i love to hear him talk! on top of many dogs there are babies everywhere. and friendly moms and dads. i am working on being out going, joining in conversations at the park, introducing myself and finley. it isn’t always easy. i can feel the awkward, self judging creature inside me start to wiggle as i prepare to reach out and make a connection to a stranger. but it silences quickly. it feels good to push past the discomfort and find that i really do like connecting to new people.

so all is well. we are finding the places for all our things. finding the things that need to go back to VA or up on the craigslist. we are exploring the streets. each evening my legs ache a little from all the walking. finley is adjusting well. and it all feels like home…or like it will be home soon enough. i can feel myself melting into this place, finding my groove, finding the places i go over and over, the walks i take, and even the new people i’ll meet. it is nice to have a home again after almost three months of wandering. i need a home…i see that now…it grounds me and helps me breath. i feel lighter already, even in the heat and the humidity. it is great!

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four days of looking and we found our next home. not too bad really. two of those days were the hottest of the summer so far…they were hard days (especially in the city). but overall it wasn’t bad. we saw a lot of places. we looked in hoboken, the west village, and brooklyn. we loved the west village but the price tag for the space made it impossible (650 sq ft for 4800?? and i know that isn’t even awful.). i spend a lot of time at home with finley. we need space to run. hoboken as a town felt too small. plus in some way jason and i were both feeling the need for a ny address! so we went out to park slope and it fit. we’d heard enough about the place to know it had the necessary mom’s, yoga spaces, and good food to keep us happy. the green space at prospect park got me. we slowly narrowed our search to a few small parts of park slope. we talked to tons of brokers…yes we finally realized what so many told us before. you almost always need a broker to find a really great space in the nyc area. but the 15% hurts! that said, the apartment is amazing. it is in an old victorian. the details are beautiful. even the entrance to the apartment building is gorgeous. in our apartment we have a bedroom big enough for a king size bed (and then a chair, desk, armoire). we have a small baby room off our room. and we have the all important (for me) washer and dryer. i am so happy. it is done and we are going back to the dc area. we move in august 1. that leaves a month to move in and explore as a family before jason returns to work. (i will by that time be so use to jason being a full time stay at home dad that i will fall into a slight depressive empty space as i readjust. but hopefully by then i will know a few mom’s in the area…and that will help fill the space as i adjust.)

so now our summer can really start. we can actually relax and not think about the need to find our next home. of course now i am in full decorator mode. i already drew out the space and talked to jason about what new furniture items we need to make it work. he rolled his eyes at me…as well he should. now is the time to just breath in and enjoy the feeling of being done with the biggest part. there will be time to buy furnishings in august and beyond.

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i am at a nicely packed coffee house near our home. finley is asleep on my back. we ran into some w and m people here earlier. our house is a disaster. moving with a baby is hard. but finley is loving it. so many things to get into. boxes to pull up on. tools to play with and markers (permanent) to play with (and mark up your body). yipes. but overall we are doing well. the stress hit the high mark over the weekend. witha bit of an explosion, but we survived and now we are functioning as a team. coming up with a plan each morning and going from there. i am happy with how well jason and i are managing this huge step. we usually have a hard time with big changes. and this week is full of them. he is done with work until september. we are moving out. we are about to go on a month long trip out west. we are moving half our stuff into storage, the rest into his folks little house. we are weeding out things we don’t need. i am guessing (and am very likely right) that our place in nyc will be much smaller. but all goes well. and it feel good to be cleaning out things. life feels lighter. ahh the joy of moving. i hope we don’t do it again too soon.

we leave for the bay area on tuesday. we have a busy month ahead. but we now have bits of calm amid all the moving. we’ll be staying in mendocino at a cabin for a week. my dear friend adam is having a mother/father blessing there and we are going to enjoy a week of family time around the blessing. we’ll be with tripp and r for a few days too. i am hoping to cook a little with r. it’ll be nice for jason to actually get to know tripp (and r too) after all these years. we’re also heading north to visit family. two of my mom’s sisters live in washington state. it’ll be good to reconnect with them and my cousins there. but it also means going over my mom’s stuff with all of them. that is how family gathers go for me. a lot of talk about mom, her health, the future. i feel like we get dragged down into this depressing spot…where we talk about her mind failing, feel depressed and scared and forget to connect on all the good in our lives. maybe i can turn that around on this visit.

i’ll post from the road…i hope. maybe a picture or two. finley is getting so big. he is almost one. where did the year go?

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this is late…but i got swept up in the excitement and never found a moment to reflect and post.

we finally know where we are heading. new york city. i am overwhelmed and very excited. it isn’t the way i thought life would be right now (a house with a yard), but that is awesome too. we are moving up in august. jason starts work a week later. we have so much to work out. where to live for one. with that said i would love some help from the nyc, and former nyc, mogers. i need advice on how to find a place. jason is working in midtown. he is fixated on living on the upper west side. but we will see, i am open to suggestions. he called a broker today and the guy quoted him a fee of 15% of our annual rental. so on a $4000 a month place we pay $7200…i am still in shock. is this normal? i refuse, at the moment, to accept this fact. there must be a better, read as cheaper, way. craigslist? other broker? help!!

i am off to atlanta for my sister’s wedding. we are driving down. me, finley, my father, and step mother. it is a ten hour drive that will take us a lot longer with a ten month old. i am hoping for the best…long naps and lots of calm.

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