I was poring over the archives, which have been kept sealed–not because I wanted to preserve them, but only because I wanted not to touch them. After we broke up, she sent me a letter saying that she held me in high regard. I wrote back, but did not reciprocate. It was a rare treasure to have the last word (I signed the letter “maybe later”), and it was only by her good grace.

I have been terrifyingly noted lately. What I say and how I feel is consistently being heard and responded to, and I don’t know how to react. I’m unaccustomed to having any degree of input, much less influence. Thankfully and overwhelmingly, I am no executor, only an advisor. Still, it’s a hell of a lot more than I’m used to.

And more and more, one of my favorite people seems to be talking to me like a personality test or an animatronic fortune-teller. That in itself doesn’t throw me–what bothers me is how deeply I respond to it. Sentences begin with “what I notice about you is…” and “you have so much strength in….” Last week it was “you feel so many things so deeply.” It caught me off guard, to be sure.

All that, and I’ve found a new anthemic record. To update this old list, 2007 should be Neko Case’s Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. 2008’s meaning is painstakingly and preemptively recorded in Eef Barzelay’s Lose Big. I have listened to the entire record every day for two months now, and every time, a new song or a new line seems to surface as a striking epiphany. Last week, I cried myself dry to True Freedom. In the mornings this week, it’s Could Be Worse; in the evenings, I Love the Unknown. If you haven’t heard the record, I’d recommend it.

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