limbo

suggested track: "born stubborn" by sepultura

i just handed in my TA application 15 minutes ago. i just feel… blah. i'm scared shitless. i want an assistantship so bad, and it makes me so nervous. i feel like every little thing needs to be perfect, and i don't feel every little thing i have is perfect. i hope my slides are good enough. that's all i need for the interview… good slides. i'll feel more confident if i get one. now the waiting begins. i've been stressing about this for weeks. and will continue to. i've been having all kinds of crazy dreams where it's the first day of teaching, and i'm unprepared, my students are unruly, etc. i wake up every morning obsessing about my slides, and the whole process in general. fuck. i'm glad to have it out of my hands, but i want decisions to be made quickly. i want to say i'll be able to think straight and function now, but i doubt that.