why do parents kill their children?

suggested track: "cannon" by the white stripes

my anxiety is building up like no tomorrow. apparently letters went out yesterday for TA interviews. which means chances are there will be a letter waiting for me when i return tonight. this prospect scares the shit out of me. i am so scared i can't stand it. i am on the verge of tears and vomiting constantly. i can't focus or calm down, i don't know what to do. and i have my art history mid term tomorrow. but that is so secondary right now. i desperately want to teach next year. did i mention this is only to see who was granted interviews? everybody's stress level is through the roof. lenore and i have been afraid to go home out of fear of a rejection letter. many of my fellow students seem to feel like i will get an interview. i'm glad they feel confident, because the closer i get to finding out, the less confident i am. and here's why: there were 91 applicants for about 13 positions and they grant 25 interviews. i don't like those odds. my heart is racing like a jackhammer just thinking about it.

in other news i bought three cd's last friday. the first time in a long time i bought some cd's. all of them are very good. the first white stripes album which is phenomenal. dirty, bluesy, zepplin-esque garage rock with terrible drumming that is a actually perfect compliment to the guitar playing (it's actually only guitar and drums mostly with starnge vocals). i highly recommend. one other is the moldy peaches. which is really unlike any cd i would normally buy. very bizarre, funny, and sometimes quite touching lyrics. a couple of tracks are "downloading porn with davo", "who brought the crack", and "new york city is a graveyard". fairly poppy and catchy. i love this album, mostly because it is so absurd. and i bought the new maharhj disc repititon. i won't describe it, because i doubt anyone would really be interested other than seth. more insane hardcore/metal from insane canadians.

i feel like i exist inside my own bubble or vacuum here in the midwest. everyone's lives in maine and virginia seem so separate and distant to me. i apologize for maybe not updating as much as i should or e-mailing everyone more often. it becomes difficult being so far removed, i feel almost detatched. or at least i convince myself of this. i feel as things are happening outside of my realm. it's difficult for me to put into words. i feel as though sometimes life is being played out or written for me and i am experiencing it vicariously, and not being an actual participant in the lives of those i care about.