windmills

i havent written in a long time. im not quite sure why i didnt want to write but i think part of it had to do with the fact that i had one of the best summers ive ever had. i just didnt need to post because i felt like i didnt need to vent online. i was fulfilled in most every way possible. i didnt fall in love this summer and i didnt have a design job, but i had an incredible time. so incredible that i think i probably look like i fell in love. i am tan, im in great shape, my hair is finally back to its natural color and i just got it cut (it's longer than it used to be), and i am wearing as few clothes as possible because i love summer and because i look good enough to do it. i know i sound superficial — that's because i am. but regardless, it has been a long time since i felt good putting on a bathing suit, and im going to the beach tomorrow and i have no fears. ive been running more days than not, doing lots of exercises on that yoga ball i bought at the beginning of the summer, and ive been eating well.

the summer gave me a much better idea of who i am. i have spent a lot of my life since college trying to see and do new things. i had so many friends in college who felt a strong need to get away from their hometowns, i felt ignorant for thinking mine was decent. and ive never wanted to be trapped, so i have been doing and seeing new and different things just to be sure that i like virginia not just because it's all i know, but because it's a nice place to live. this summer reaffirmed that. everyone im in school with now is from the north and does not understand life in the south. they have skewed ideas about how things work there. and this summer helped me realize that it doesnt matter that people in the rest of the nation think the south is stupid. i like the south and i am not stupid for wanting to live there.

the summer also afforded me the chance to work outside everyday. i worked in the yard at home and then at the farm. i wore flip flops everyday at the farm or i went barefoot. i talked with people at the fruit stand. i sat in the sunshine. i picked tomatoes, peppers, squash, zucchinis, watermelons, cantelope. i was a really hard worker and the farm owner, eddie, appreciated it. he was very good to me and so were the other people who worked there. i love manual labor and i didnt quite realize this until this summer. i could spend every day outside in hot weather and be happy. but im in school because i dont want manual labor to be my only option. i hate the idea of being trapped in a job. which is probably because im very indecisive and want as many options as possible for fear that i'll get stuck in a situation that doesnt make me happy.

i am now back in new haven and i am unable to explain why the summer was so good. everyone asks and i just smile. it was great to be with my parents, to be at home, to see my cats every day, to see family, to crack crabs on THREE occasions, to drink beer, to have a deck to sit on, to have no bills, to have jobs that i could do and could do well, to not have traffic to deal with, to be where people have lovely accents, to have warm weather, to be with people who love me. and it's okay that i cant explain to people here why summer was so good. i honestly think they wouldnt understand unless they went home with me to see it. and even that doesnt seem adequate. the nice part is that i dont need anyone to understand. it was good for me and i needed it and im thankful i had it. and that's enough.