i am aware

i am aware that i am a bad poster. the summer was terribly carefree and now school is in full swing and the freedom of the summer made me not want to post and now the schedule of classes leaves little time for dwelling even more on the things i think about and try to resolve on paper each day. school is going much better than last year. i dont know that my work will be any better but at least my state of mind is. someone told me in a drunken stupor the other night that he didnt quite understand how i had such a dramatic change in confidence in a matter of a few months. i think i just need a lot of support and i got that this summer.

over the summer, i told someone that i used to choose college professors based on whether they had children or not. they told me that i probably did that because i wanted the role of child in my relationships. this might be the case, although i think i also really enjoy taking care of people and dont always have to be the one who is doted upon. but it was an interesting point.

the social scene here is a little stressful. the art school is a bit too much of a bubble for me. i love that people go out and drink and dance like crazy and wear great clothes and make some really funny work. but things are a bit incestuous here and i *really* try to be a neutral party in the midst of numerous relationships, but i dont always succeed and this results in me feeling guilty even though it's kind of impossible to try to stand up for everyone all the time and to portray them in the best light possible all the time. this is my goal, mainly because i adore most everyone here and i want to trust people and i want to be trusted. but it's hard. there are lots of people i care for here and sometimes they are pitted on opposite sides of a situation. i do not like to be involved in these sorts of situations.

i have been running here and that has been a bit of an escape for me. it's kind of exciting. i didnt have an escape last year. and now i find myself wanting to run more than once a day just because it's a release and it isnt graphic design and it's outside. the weather has been lovely so it's been easy to go out.

i have spent my day listening to terrible country music. it's keeping me from getting too fucking serious. i cant help but smile at songs like "im gonna miss her" (which is about a guy who loves fishing so much, his girlfriend leaves him and he cant stop fishing to prevent her departure).