it's eighty-five degrees inside

when it comes to sex, i feel like im old and married. the thought of sex itself is tiring; despite the fact that regular sex would be nice, during the school year i find sleep to be even more enticing.

im at school, still. burning dvds. listening to any 'this american life' episode that i havent already heard in the past couple weeks. drinking some shiraz. waiting to go see syriana with mimi. and thinking about the year. it's been a busy one… from a terrible semester last year, to a beautiful summer, to a busy fall. im ready for the holiday. ready to do a little shopping and decorating and working on the house. ready to see the kittens at home and ready to have cable and do some cooking in richmond. it amazes me that earlier this year, despite having had numerous sincere crushes on some people, i still didnt feel over my college boyfriend. and then coming back this fall to school and feeling over him. that alone was a big accomplishment for the year. one that was certainly a long time coming.

this year has been filled with nothing but my 'new' life… the life where i feel like im from virginia again, instead of feeling like im from dc. a life where im doing what i love, with people i adore, in a new town with a new vibe and a new set of rules. this year has been filled with a lot of hard work and a lot of play. im just so glad i got through to this year. it's been bliss.

the other day i went and bought presents for a charity to give out to families who need help with gifts for christmas. and it was so fun. i got to pick out little girls' clothes and baby toys and fun things. id never done that before, but it was nice.

the night before id had a discussion with people about why people celebrate christmas who arent christian. and this is something that still baffles me. i know there are many reasons to celebrate christmas other than to celebrate the birth of jesus. but it is surprising to me that people go to the extent of the trappings when they are celebrating something that, it seems to me, is a bit empty. i realize that probably what everyone gets out of holidays in general is a connection with family or friends. and that can be accomplished without any religious notions. but the whole premise of getting together in the first place just seems a bit hollow to me. the idea that it must be done in the winter, with a tree, and with drinks like egg nog just seems a bit over-the-top. of course, a lot of this is over-the-top, even for christians. jesus of course never instructed anyone to invent santa or sing annoying songs about reindeer, but these things (it seems to me) are based on the idea that there is something to celebrate to begin with. the idea that family and friends are to be celebrated for a reason. and i DO think it's nice that people all over the country feel a bit of pressure to be nice to one another around this time of year, and that everyone looks out for those in need a little more around this time. i just wonder what it means for the idea of believing in something. for the idea of faith.

in recent years, ive come to drop my beliefs about jesus in favor of believing more in some kind of higher power and less in a trinity. this isnt like a final denunciation of christ for me, but more of a setting aside of the idea that jesus had to die for people's sins. i do believe he existed, and that he had some nice things to preach. and even if he didnt actually preach what we now believe, i still think that what we now believe jesus to have said are nice things to believe in, regardless of who said them. but christmas, and even episcopal and catholic masses, seem to me to be a special time to partake in the idea that there is a reason for us to watch out for each other while on earth. i dont really believe in an afterlife (i favor reincarnation), but i do think it makes sense for us to all make the best of each day and the days of other's, regardless of the fact that one day, we might be dead and will remember nothing. i guess that all i mean to say is that despite the fact that i dont specifically celebrate christ on christmas, but more a relationship with some kind of shared spirituality, im glad i was raised to celebrate something. at least it's got me thinking.