im doing it

ive been a slacker on here in the last year or so. i used to have this site on my list of things to do each morning when i went to work. i would get to work, check email and respond, look at a stack of papers to go through that day, go get coffee and breakfast, come back up to my desk, write on mog, get to work, and then read other people's posts sometimes during the day. this was mixed with reading other sites to keep me feeling like i knew something about publishing - the new york times, mediabistro, editor&publisher. that, of course, gave way to me spending all of my time reading about new york and design, to my grad applications, to my move to new haven, to my lack of any sort of morning routine. and now my days begin when i wake up in an apartment of my own, and begin to think about my work and what i will make that day. i am in a constant thought-cycle of questioning how i can make my work better, more meaningful, basically every moment of the day that i have to think. the question of what i will do with my life when i leave here is always on my mind. when i watch meet the press (and think 'i really should do something for the public good in conjunction with design'), and when i walk to school (and think 'where will i live since i know it won't be new haven?') and when im at school (and think 'most of these people will go on to amazing careers…where will i be?'). i think i have to go to new york because i didnt go the last time the opportunity presented itself and that didnt really offer many opportunities. dc was, in fact, a place i had to claw my way out of.

and so now i am here doing what i love; being challenged, working hard, being single, going out, living on my own. these were all steps (i knew this years ago) to being independent; to gain necessary confidence in myself. though im not quite sure where i am on that track… i know im far from where i was three years ago but i know i have a long way to go to feel truly independent.

and there are things that pull me away from independence: my closeness to my parents, my love for the south, my desire (even if a nuanced desire) to be in a worthwhile relationship. these things make me want to avoid new york; to pursue something more worthwhile than money. but then the thought of having children makes me want to make as much money as possible to pay off school loans and provide a more secure life for kids. which means to go to new york.

and im worried about my parents' health. they arent old, but they are getting older. and they are my rock, my sanity, everything i hold dear (plus tripp, of course). and i want to spend as much time as possible with them while they are here. which means moving to virginia, giving up on all that new york could give me. which maybe means sacrificing what i could give my children so that i could have a longer life with my parents. someone once told me that i seek parental relationships in most everything. i am beginning to believe this might be true. new haven and yale was a way to try to ween myself, though i do not know that is really ever going to be possible. they have been too good to me for me to want to let them go.

in addition to these bigger thoughts, i am struggling this semester to find classes to take. the design dept is one class short this semester which is totally shitty, and means that i have two electives outside of design instead of one. most everything i want to take conflicts with the two design classes i am actually taking, and others that dont conflict present too great a work load for me to take on this semester.

other things are bothering me, i suppose. i have realized that there are some people in this program who i do not like to be around. this has been difficult because we all hang out as a group (which is fantastic) and last year there really wasnt anyone whom i did not like. but i really have no tolerance for egos or condescension, and i feel both of those have found a spot here at yale (shocker, right? the bigger shock was that they were non-existant last year in my social circle).

i am worried about my work this semester. i do not know why. i guess it is because i currently feel torn between connecticut and virginia, but i fear that will lead to a lack of focus in my projects. if you know me, (ahem, guy, if youre reading this), do not ask me about this in person. i cannot explain it.

and finally, ray emailed everyone on the site the other day and suggested that we do an update for newcomers to go over some basics about ourselves. i used to do these at linda's request when i would sit at my desk at work in dc years ago. and ive often been tempted to delete those posts since because they are naive and cheesy and honest and young. and i havent because i think im allowed to be all those things in life, ill-informed or not. and so i will now do another, per ray's suggestion, so that in a few years i can look back and realize that i have grown up, yet again.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hair: brown, shoulder-length

Eyes: hazel

Occupation: grad student/maker of things/part-time party girl

Hobbies/extracurriculars: sleep

Addictions: thesuperficial.com/my new flip flap/starting a farm on my desk with toy animals

Wearing right now: velour pants/old va tech sweatshirt/irish wool scarf/fleece socks (okay, it's sunday, snowing outside, and im in a studio with people who could give a shit about what i have on)

Ashamed of: apparently of what im wearing/the fact that im also listening to john mayer right now. dear. no wonder this post was sappy.

Proud of: the fact that im in school here and am happy with the work i made last semester

Last embarassed by: music choice of the moment? i actually embarass pretty infrequently

What do you see out the window? a concrete wall of a parking garage/snow/blue tarps covering the skylights while a new roof is installed here to prevent the water from dripping all over our desks as it has for the last year and a half

Age: 27

Porn name you'd use: eh.

Last book you finished: i actually cannot remember. because i dont read anymore. because i only make work anymore. im working on terry eagleton's _after theory_ at the moment but that's just because it's for school. though i did make a 150pg book last semester. does that count?

Favorite picture you took in 2005: i guess the graffiti trees in venice beach when i was in LA in june

Favorite picture (or two) of yourself: i have no idea. ones my parents took when i was little

Toughest thing you've ever done: i cant talk about that here.

Toughest thing ever done to you: yeah, i cant talk about that here either. i dont really know, though, either.

Turning points in your life? (i.e. What are the chapter titles in the book of your life?): turning points? i guess break-ups have been pretty influential for me…theyve definitely helped me turn to creative outlets. and living with that bitch in dc probably helped a little at the end… i was more than ready to leave that town when i left.

Music you're hearing: james lavelle's unkle/reign (reminds me of driving to long beach with tripp last spring)

Thing you'd change about yourself: i'd like to chill out in some areas… bossiness, the fact i worry as much as i do, the assumptions i make…

Scariest moment: i cant rank this.

Favorite place: my bed.

I can't prove it, but… ugg boots are still trashy.

George W. Bush must be… fated for an evangelistic career with pat robertson.

I can't stand it when… i cant think quickly.

I love it when… my plane lands safely.

Your best post thus far: i dont really remember any of my posts. and theyre also pretty insignificant.

Favorite posts from others:

http://madeofglass.com/roxy/default.asp

http://madeofglass.com/andrea/content.asp?number=29

http://madeofglass.com/petunia/content.asp?number=908

http://madeofglass.com/tripp/content.asp?number=1132