one thing

i really dislike seeing pictures of tripp in the hospital on here. when he was sick the first time, i had no idea what he looked like or what the hospital looked like or how mom and guy were coping with in LA. and i was coping with my own set of issues in DC and i wasnt really talking with them about it and they were equally shielding me from knowing how bad tripp really was. i mean, i knew. but seeing him wouldve made it about a thousand times more real than it was when i was just getting news over the phone. when he got out of the hospital, i came to take care of him. i made him eat a lot. i didnt know what else to do. and then i guess i went out for the second surgery. i cant actually remember. i know i saw him on the 4th when he was more well and between surgeries. and then again last spring when he had the scar tissue taken out. i was only out there for about a week and even though i was only in the hospital for two days, i hated seeing him there — his legs in these weird inflatable things to keep his muscles moving and me in the waiting room trying to make a book about otl aicher and a death toll system for the iraq war for school. all i really wanted to do was scoop him up and put him in a bed at home. instead, he told mom and i to go see the bodyworlds exhibit. we did. there, i saw the insides of dead people and thought about what tripp's insides looked like. it was equally sad and comforting … sad to know the damage done to him by colitis, comforting to be able to understand it and therefore cope with the situation at hand. i dont know if tripp gets sad when my family talks about him being sick; i dont know if he is tired of hearing it mentioned. but i get sad when i think about it. i was kind of in detatched mode when it was happening; i just kind of went through the motions and tried to be of help to my family (though i dont really think i was). but it makes me sad now. to know he was in a weird place with death — seemingly so far from it but actually pretty close when looking at his damaged intestine. it makes me sad to see that process documented on this site. i dont ever want to go back to that hospital with him again. never again do i want to see my parents in that cafeteria or at his bedside. it sounds absurd, but it would be nice if he were within arms' reach. i miss him so much more now than i used to and while that's also equal parts sad and comforting, i wish i didnt have to miss him.