that

i have that fall-is-upon-us feeling. the feeling you get when the days start to shorten and the air gets cooler. the recognition that the next six months will be spent in some type of hibernation. the reluctant acceptance of the idea that snow boots and no-more-skirts isnt all that far away. the desire to sit by warm fires with brick hearths under down blankets with cups of tea, a golden retriever, and someone to love.
i go back and forth with fall. some years are better and i dont dread the dark days and cold nights. sometimes they seem like impending doom and i struggle to keep my head above what seems like an ever-rising imaginary water-line… above the feeling of drowning in the lonliness and alone-ness of winter. this isnt to say that fall feels unecessarily lonely this year; in ways i desperately need time to myself to think and wander streets without a companion.
i welcome and fear the feeling of hibernation right now. i welcome it because i think i have a lot to ponder in the coming months… where i'll live after school, what kind of life i want to embark upon in june, what sort of people i want to be surrounded by. these thoughts are somewhat bittersweet for me because what i want to do and what is practical for me at this juncture are two different things. i _want_ to move to the south, purchase a tiny house for myself, and work for a small studio with wooden floors run by women and make interesting work. what is practical for me is to move to a cramped new york apartment, live near my friends from school, and work for some kind of studio or practice that will help me improve my portfolio and teach me more about how design works in the real world. my other option is to move to san fran, be a little closer to nature, a lot farther from friends, and make work at a less-prestigious studio or practice. this option is looking less and less appealing.
i believe these last few years have drastically increased my ability and desire to be independent. if there are people around who will take care of me, i will let them. but if i am on my own, i think i do a pretty good job of getting things done without much help. my need for this… my need to do my own housework and repairing of goods and cooking and cleaning and travel arranging also means that i dont have a ton of space left for people who dont know how to do these things. i become impatient (to a terrible fault) with people who can't hold their own in these situations. it reminds me that i want to marry someone who can do things at least as well as i can.
i dont know. it's just all this desire to be ten years farther into my life and all this simultaneous recognition that that isnt really what i want… and that wishing my time away that i have at the present is both silly and futile. i want a house, a static and stable place where i can do yardwork and design work and have pointless passtimes like watching football and basketball on the weekends, sewing and cooking and sleeping… these things will have to wait a few more years.