I’ve been feeling a bit under the weather the last day or two. I’m usually good for about 2 headcolds each year and I guess this is one of them. So I decided I’d have a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwhich this morning to fortify my body with some fuel to fight it off. I’ve been trying to avoid bacon lately, but I felt like shit and wanted some comfort food. Eyes still half shut and umbrella in hand I stumbled off the 2 train at 32nd Street and walked into the little delis next door and placed my order. As I walked to register a retarded guy walks in the door, points at me and declares to the whole establishment, “He needs his mommy.”

The whole joint immediately falls silent and looks to me for a reply. The questions raced relentlessly through my head: Do I really look that miserable? Does he know about the War of the Worldsesque dream I had last night where I was on a plane that was forced to land on a city street while alien spacecraft bomarbarded the city? Is the universe trying to tell me something here? Should I just pack it up and head back home? Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just go back to my parent’s house and have my mom serve me a grilled cheese sandwhich and pea soup for lunch while I watch Dukes of Hazard reruns like I did when I was sick in fourth grade? What else does this guy know that I don’t? When did I walk into a David Lynch movie?

Dumbfounded and unable to answer any of these questions I asked the room, “Who doesn’t?”

Popularity: 3% [?]

This just came in across the wire.

A Press Release from the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Condemns Celebration Parades Held by Crocodiles, Camels, Poisonous Snakes, Mountain Goats, Small Reptiles

Brisbane, Australia – A visibly shaken Jason Laughlin condemned Wednesday celebrations held internationally in response to the death of noted conservationist and animal tackler Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.

As the world mourned Irwin’s loss to a terrorist stingray Monday and mobilized to face off against the newly discovered stingray threat, wild animals around the world heartlessly held victory parades in response to Irwin’s passing. The worst demonstrations occurred along Australia’s waterways, where thousands of crocodiles fired rifles into the air and burned images of Irwin in effigy, chanting, “The Great Satan in khakis and shorts is facing torment in hell.”

One crocodile leader said during crocodile services at a radical crocodile mosque in Sydney Wednesday, “No more shall his unwarranted attacks on our kind, attacks condoned and abetted by the United States, be tolerated. Let this be a message to all of Steve Irwin’s friends and allies worldwide, we will no longer be victims to your imperialist aggressions. We will no longer allow you to put your hands over our eyes in futile efforts to subdue us. We will no longer allow you to jump and cavort mockingly about our open and, I assure you, very deadly jaws.”

Mr. Laughlin insisted Mr. Irwin never expressed anything but the utmost affection for the animals he tackled and pinned for no apparent reason.

“‘Ooh, check this out!’ Irwin often exclaimed,” Mr. Laughlin said. “He frequently told the animals as he held them terrified and helpless against their will, ‘Oooh, she’s a beauty!’ And he respected their power as well. Whenever dragging a snake across rough Outback terrain Mr. Irwin always cautioned us, “I gotta be real careful. If I don’t watch out for those fangs, I could lose a limb!”

Crocodile passions have been inflamed recently in response to decades of cartoons that depicted them as untrustworthy, shedding insincere tears and, most offensively, standing on two legs.

“Bipedalism is an affront to God!” one crocodile who hailed from Melbourne said at a recent rally as he threw knives at a picture of Irwin. “These cartoons are offensive to our faith!”

While Irwin is not the only tv naturalist known for wrestling with unsuspecting animals, he has borne the brunt of resentment from the Animal Kingdom. In recent weeks a party of geckos, salamanders and a komodo dragon attempted to sabotage a jeep bearing recordings of Irwin’s show. And in 2003 a cabal of wallabies and camels gained notoriety for urinating relentlessly on Irwin’s tent during his excursion into the Outback. Irwin was forced to withdraw despite repeated efforts to chase the animals and wrestle them on camera. The animals fled and no one was charged, leading to accusations that some officials in the Australian government sympathized with the terrorists.

“We have borne these attacks against good men like Irwin for too long,” Mr. Laughlin said. “Finally, despite our best efforts, they have broken through our defenses and hit us where it hurts the most. You are either with us against the natural world, or you are against us!”

Mr. Laughlin recommended immediate action against radical stingrays and their other reptile accomplices, saying strong action now could win the hearts and minds of the animal world to a democratic system.

“Imagine a world in which a democratized Great Barrier Reef would become a beacon of light, democracy and free market capitalism to be envied by the rest of the animal world,” Mr. Laughlin said.

We are fighting for our very way of life,” Mr. Laughlin said. “We believe in freedom. We believe in Democracy. These creatures live by the laws of kill or be killed and survival of the fittest. There is no room for this barbarism in the modern world. They will begin to behave like civilized animals, or they will face our wrath! Part of our destiny on earth is to liberate stingrays from oppression, or to kill them. At very least, we should pin them to the sea floor and prod them while making bug-eyed expressions of adoration. It’s what Steve would have wanted.”

Popularity: 1% [?]

Random notes from Prospect Heights:

The Hefeweizen that Jesse and I brewed in Williamsburg has completed it’s fermentation and bottle conditioning. We sampled it at Craig and Jen’s barbecue last week. It’s quite refreshing.

File under shameless plug: Anyone curious about what I’ve spent the last 3 months doing at work? You can see the results of it here: Broken Trail. The site looks best at 1280×1080, but looks fine in 1080×768 as well. Overall, I think it came out pretty well, hopefully it will help convince a few million people to watch the movie on the 25th and 26th.

Nonplug: There’s an amazing show on the Sundance Channel that no one is talking about. It’s called City of Men and it comes from the creators of City of God The show follows two kids growing up in Rio’s favelas and it’s really unlike anything I’ve ever seen on TV before. Sundance has only aired four episodes so far and No US DVDs have been released yet, but hopefully we’ll see more of this stellar show.

I’m looking for a microfiber couch and loveseat. They should be deep enough for a tall man (me) to sit in with his kness right at the edge of the couch and one of them has to fold out into a bed for guests. Macy’s has a nice set, but they’re too expensive. Anybody have any ideas where I can find something similar. (Don’t say Ikea).

Popularity: 1% [?]

It’s 10:15 and Jose Reyes just hit a leadoff single up the middle of the infield in San Fransisco. Gary Cohen is providing the play by play with Keith Hernandez doing color commentary. I watch the action on TV from the comfort of a pre-war apartment in Prospect Heights. Bobblehead dolls of Ralph Kiner and Bob Murphy provide karmic support from atop the tv. Portraits of Snoopy, Charlie Brown, and the casts of Goodfellas, the Godfather, and the Sopranos survey the action from their perches on the wall. No obvious indication of who they’re rooting for, but I like to think that they’re pulling for Willie Randolph and company. It’s 10:15 and all is well.

I have a family that loves me, good friends, a fun place to live, a new promotion at work, a baseball game to watch, and a bunch of cool toys. That’s not a pretty damn good list even if the word girlfriend doesn’t appear on it at the moment. Everyone is healthy, summer is coming, and life is good.

The weather has sucked for the past few days, but it hasn’t stopped me from rollerblading in both Central Park and Prospect Park, going to Friday Night Fights, getting plastered with the downtown Brooklyn kids at Christine’s place in the West 50s, brewing beer at Jesse’s in Williamsburg and getting plastered again, watching lots of baseball, getting visited by Jason, and dragging my ass to work. If you need me I’ll be on the couch watching baseball. So yeah, it’s 10:55 and all is well.

PS Pigfest is happening on May 13. Buy your tickets at Brooklynbrewery.com

Popularity: 1% [?]

The title of this post is actually untrue. I prefer to drink with big groups of friends. So pick up tickets to Brooklyn Brewery’s Presiden’t Day Bash and come drink with me. It’s Sunday, February 19th from 6-10, all you can drink. There’s no work on Monday so come out with the crew and have a few cold ones.

Popularity: 1% [?]

A Press Release From the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Provides Details on Terrorist Attack in His Home

Philadelphia – For the first time Wednesday Jason Laughlin spoke out on an attack that took place in his Philadelphia apartment Wednesday.

“This insideous sneak attack came not from the Middle East, as I have long anticipated, but from the Far East,” Mr. Laughlin said from the remains of his once-clean kitchen floor. “We have a new enemy in the war on terror, the makers of Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce.”

In a daring pre-dawn raid, the jar of Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce, having lulled Mr. Laughlin into a false sense of security by making him believe its lid was screwed on tightly, spilled its contents throughout the kitchen as he attempted to peacefully clean the bottom of the jar.

“This attack struck when we were most vulnerable,” Mr. Laughlin said, choking back tears. “We were just trying to make a quick dinner before going to bed. This raid has struck at the very heart of America, the
kitchen.”

Mr. Laughlin’s kitchen went from messy to disgusting in a matter of seconds. An immediate casualty was a carpet patterned with apples, pears and cherries. Also badly damaged was the dishwasher. Even Mr. Laughlin’s fingers were not spared. They were covered with the sticky, delicious Asian sauce as he attempted to repel the stir fry sauce’s attack.

“Today is another day of infamy in our country’s history,” Mr. Laughlin announced, showing resolve at the end of his deeply emotional statements. “We will not rest, we will not pause, we will never give up our advance against Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce’s makers, wherever they may be. The sabotaged jar claimed, under interrogation, that it came from upstate New York, but we believe that is a front company for a larger organization based somewhere in the area of Asia. We will root them out! The makers of this stir fry sauce hate our freedoms!”

Investigators and rescue crews continued cleaning the wreckage from the attack Wednesdy afternoon. A key task is to determine how to remove a puddle of sauce that seeped under Mr. Laughlin’s dishwasher. The full extent of the attack has yet to be determined, but Mr. Laughlin warned America the fallout from the disaster could attract another enemy of freedom, cockroaches.

Popularity: 1% [?]

No excuse for the long absence. Let’s just pretend it never happened.

Two bits of news in my life:

1. I’ve been busting my ass at work to help launch the mini-site for our new show Hustle. The show is really good and I think we totally kicked ass on the site, but go judge for yourself. (Sorry for the shameless plug.

2. I’ve moved. I’ve been booted from my dope Upper West Side digs and have relocated to Prospect Heights. If you need me you can find me on Lincoln Place.

Many thanks to Andru, Jesse, Rob, Dan, and Mary for helping with the move and to Steve for lending me his van. You really learn who cares about you when you need to move a 240 pound TV up two flights of stairs. You guys rock.

I plan on having a party in the next month and a half or so (which will give me just enough time to brew up a fresh batch of beer). You should come.

Popularity: 1% [?]