Now that I understand this right - let me take it to the mic - this revolution has just begun

My friend Jason has taken to making press releases by e-mail lately. Generally he just condemns things. He figures if the president is allowed to just come out and condemnn things for no apparent reason then he should be allowed to as well. For posterity's sake I've decided to post the best of the releases as they come out.

From the Offices of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Condemns Quality Romantic Comedies

Jason Laughlin, in a surprise Thanksgiving visit to American troops station in Iraq, condemned intelligent, funny romantic comedies to roaring applause from the assembled group of sex starved soldiers.

It has come to Mr. Laughlin's attention recently that a film going under the name "Love, Actually" has subverted the romantic comedy genre and it against the country's population of single men, including Mr. Laughlin.

"Normally romantic comedies are vapid and obvious and filled with sentimental cliches," Mr. Laughlin said in his 10 minute visit to the country before fleeing again in an unmarked Chevrolet Corsica. "They may be romantic, but they are not comedies. I do not laugh at them. They are nothing I would wish to see, and I am grateful, truly grateful that there is no woman in my life who might attempt to drag me to such drivel. This insidious film, Love Actually, I have learned is filled with stellar performances and is carried by a witty, laugh-filled script. But as a single man, I am barred by pride from seeing it."

The list of objectives the nation's single men would have to fulfill in order to see Love Actually are imposing. The nation's single men would need to find a willing woman who they at least might wish to spend two hours with. they would then need to approach her, in a confident yet casual manner, and request her presence at the film. If she does not accept, shame and a week of soul searching would follow.

But if she accepts, the nation's single men would have to do laundry, take a shower, wear cologne and pay for this hypothetical woman's ticket. They then would be forced to ascertain if she was comfortable, neede anything to drink or
eat and if she could see okay. At this point the film would become meaningless, as they would be drawn into a lengthy internal debate about whether to hold, touch, or at least look at her hand and/or breasts.

While the nation's single men have high hopes for fulfilling all these objectives, there is the possibility of finding themselves stuck in a quagmire from which they will be unable to extricate themselves for years. This could
come in the form of an unwanted relationship or a desire for a relationship which would go unfulfilled because the woman wants to be friends, has a boyfriend, likes women or just doesn't like the nation's single men that way.
"Let there be no doubt, we can fulfill these objectives and successfully traverse the minefield of possible disasters," Mr. Laughlin said. "But really, don't we just want to see the movie? Why are we single men denied the right to walk into a theater and buy a ticket for Love Actually, starring Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson, without embarrassment or probing looks obviously hinting at serious questions about our sexual orientation? Romantic comedies must remain light on intelligence, so I and others like me never have the desire to see them."

The crowd of soldiers from the 5th Army, all de facto single men since March, loudly agreed. Love, Actually has been playing at the barracks' makeshift movie theater for two weeks, Mr. Laughlin learned, and so far only Private Francis Kravner, 101st airborne, and Spc. Karen Pelter, same, have seen it. Their relationship blossomed in June after they heard President Bush's speech announcing the end of hostilities and the likelyhood troops would be returning
home soon. Pelter told Mr. Laughlin she never would have hooked up with Kravner if she knew she would be stuck in the desert with him for six more months, but now doesn't know how to tell him she was just interested in a no strings fling.