The big wheel keeps on turning - on a simple life day by day

A Press Release from the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Condemns Alma Mater for Acting Like Homeless People

Jason Laughlin issued a scathing rebuke to The College of William and Mary Monday when he accused them of taking fund raising advice from the homeless living on the streets of America's major cities.

"After receiving the latest alumni letter from the college president (Tim Sullivan) I was shocked the college admitted to having a return address," a grave Mr. Laughlin said during an emergency visit to Williamsburg, Va., Tuesday. "It appears my university, my home for four years, has resorted to the antics of beggary in order to raise funds for itself."

Mr. Laughlin noted remarkable similarities between his latest alumni letter and the behavior of the man living in the sleeping bag on Second Street in Philadelphia, or the guy who does the Louie Armstrong impression on Market Street.

Like those homeless, William and Mary began by telling Mr. Laughlin about how tough things have been recently. Under normal conditions William and Mary, like the homeless, blames the government for not providing them with enough services. But this time William and Mary had a new and even less convicing skapegoat, Hurricane Isabel, Mr. Laughlin said. The university spun an elaborate tale of its fallen glories since Isabel, then suggested, much as the people with "God Bless" signs on Columbus Boulevard outside Wal-Mart, only a few dollars would help tremendously.

"And they have the gall to say this while showing off a renovated University Center and a new bookstore," Mr. Laughlin said. "How gullible do they think we are?"

Then, like the homeless who brag about their attempts to go to AA meetings, William and Mary told Mr. Laughlin about the achievements of other graduates, as if to suggest the money he sent them would be well spent. "We all know William and Mary's really just going to spend it all on booze and drugs and just come asking for more next month," he said.

Instead of sending money, Mr. Laughlin wrote William and Mary a letter explaining there are many programs for institutions suffering from its particular wants and he would be happy to refer them to one if they only showed they were willing to be serious about the recovery process. He also offered to buy William and Mary's President Sullivan a meal at Burger King. President Sullivan, reeking of alcohol, wrapped his dirty Dallas Cowboys Starter jacket tighter around his body, declined, and shuffled off mumbling profanities to himself.