Walkin' tall machine gun man - they spit on me in my homeland

Here's the latest from Jason:

A Press Release From the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 08:27:15 -0700 (PDT) Jason Laughlin Questions John Kerry's Identity as U.S. Senator

CHERRY HILL, NJ - Jason Laughlin stunned the American political scene and created another crisis for John Kerry's presidential campaign Wednesday by presenting evidence which calls into question whether Mr. Kerry is, or in fact ever has been, a United States Senator. "I come forward because the American people deserve to know the truth," Mr. Laughlin said while on tour promoting his new book, 'Unfit for Quorum: The Truth about John Kerry.' "John Kerry's Senatorial career is in fact a sham. He was never decorated with the office of Senator by the people of Massachusetts and he never cast one vote, except to vote for Justin Guarini on American Idol. Even then he backed a loser, and has since claimed he is a big fan of Kelly Clarkson. When will the flip-flopping end?"

Mr. Kerry has based his campaign for President on the twin assertions that he was elected to the U.S. Senate and served there for more than a decade. Mr. Laughlin said new evidence, which he did not have documentation for, suggests Massachusetts voting records and Kerry's lengthy legislative history were both paper trails manufactured by the presidential hopeful. "All I know is when I served in the Senate I never once saw John Kerry there," Mr. Laughlin said. He flatly denied claims that his Senate service was limited to a half-hour guided tour of the Capitol when he was 17.

Other Senators past and present rushed to back Mr. Laughlin. "I never saw him there," said former Senator Bob Dole (R- ). "And he's a good friend of mine, so I think I'd recognize him if he was around."

Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-), first denied claims he was dead and then asserted that, while very much alive, a medical condition now required his seemingly rotting body to be animated with a system of wires and strings manipulated by a puppeteer-like nursing assistant hiding behind a curtain above the senator. "Kerry's a liah!" Thurmond asserted.

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was silent for a long time when told of the accusations against Kerry. Finally he said, "I guess, uhm, no, no he wasn't a Senator," adding in a munmble. "I'm going to hell for this one for sure."

The Senate's 48 Democrats have rushed to Kerry's defense, saying the claims are Kafkaesque in their illogic and lunacy. Mr. Laughlin said that was partisan politics at their worst. Mr. Laughlin, when asked if he had political leanings, ducked behind the dias, whispered with someone who sounded like Karl Rove, then reemerged, saying he was an independent.

Mr. Laughlin is currently researching for another book that will call into question whether John Kerry in fact exists at all.

A Correction from the Press Office of Jason Laughlin

Sen. Dole is the retired Senator from Kansas. Sen. Thurmond is the retired Senator from South Carolina. Mr. Laughlin deeply regrets these oversights in his press release. He assures his constituents that the press officer responsible for the errors has been dismissed.