One Two Baby, What You Do - Three, Four, Let Me Show You the Door - You're Better Off Dead Than Makin a Mess of Me

A Press Release From the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Provides Details on Terrorist Attack in His Home

Philadelphia - For the first time Wednesday Jason Laughlin spoke out on an attack that took place in his Philadelphia apartment Wednesday.

"This insideous sneak attack came not from the Middle East, as I have long anticipated, but from the Far East," Mr. Laughlin said from the remains of his once-clean kitchen floor. "We have a new enemy in the war on terror, the makers of Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce."

In a daring pre-dawn raid, the jar of Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce, having lulled Mr. Laughlin into a false sense of security by making him believe its lid was screwed on tightly, spilled its contents throughout the kitchen as he attempted to peacefully clean the bottom of the jar.

"This attack struck when we were most vulnerable," Mr. Laughlin said, choking back tears. "We were just trying to make a quick dinner before going to bed. This raid has struck at the very heart of America, the
kitchen."

Mr. Laughlin's kitchen went from messy to disgusting in a matter of seconds. An immediate casualty was a carpet patterned with apples, pears and cherries. Also badly damaged was the dishwasher. Even Mr. Laughlin's fingers were not spared. They were covered with the sticky, delicious Asian sauce as he attempted to repel the stir fry sauce's attack.

"Today is another day of infamy in our country's history," Mr. Laughlin announced, showing resolve at the end of his deeply emotional statements. "We will not rest, we will not pause, we will never give up our advance against Mikee Stir Fry and Rib Sauce's makers, wherever they may be. The sabotaged jar claimed, under interrogation, that it came from upstate New York, but we believe that is a front company for a larger organization based somewhere in the area of Asia. We will root them out! The makers of this stir fry sauce hate our freedoms!"

Investigators and rescue crews continued cleaning the wreckage from the attack Wednesdy afternoon. A key task is to determine how to remove a puddle of sauce that seeped under Mr. Laughlin's dishwasher. The full extent of the attack has yet to be determined, but Mr. Laughlin warned America the fallout from the disaster could attract another enemy of freedom, cockroaches.