I'd rather be with an animal

This just came in across the wire.

A Press Release from the Office of Jason Laughlin:

Jason Laughlin Condemns Celebration Parades Held by Crocodiles, Camels, Poisonous Snakes, Mountain Goats, Small Reptiles

Brisbane, Australia - A visibly shaken Jason Laughlin condemned Wednesday celebrations held internationally in response to the death of noted conservationist and animal tackler Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.

As the world mourned Irwin's loss to a terrorist stingray Monday and mobilized to face off against the newly discovered stingray threat, wild animals around the world heartlessly held victory parades in response to Irwin's passing. The worst demonstrations occurred along Australia's waterways, where thousands of crocodiles fired rifles into the air and burned images of Irwin in effigy, chanting, "The Great Satan in khakis and shorts is facing torment in hell."

One crocodile leader said during crocodile services at a radical crocodile mosque in Sydney Wednesday, "No more shall his unwarranted attacks on our kind, attacks condoned and abetted by the United States, be tolerated. Let this be a message to all of Steve Irwin's friends and allies worldwide, we will no longer be victims to your imperialist aggressions. We will no longer allow you to put your hands over our eyes in futile efforts to subdue us. We will no longer allow you to jump and cavort mockingly about our open and, I assure you, very deadly jaws."

Mr. Laughlin insisted Mr. Irwin never expressed anything but the utmost affection for the animals he tackled and pinned for no apparent reason.

"'Ooh, check this out!' Irwin often exclaimed," Mr. Laughlin said. "He frequently told the animals as he held them terrified and helpless against their will, 'Oooh, she's a beauty!' And he respected their power as well. Whenever dragging a snake across rough Outback terrain Mr. Irwin always cautioned us, "I gotta be real careful. If I don't watch out for those fangs, I could lose a limb!"

Crocodile passions have been inflamed recently in response to decades of cartoons that depicted them as untrustworthy, shedding insincere tears and, most offensively, standing on two legs.

"Bipedalism is an affront to God!" one crocodile who hailed from Melbourne said at a recent rally as he threw knives at a picture of Irwin. "These cartoons are offensive to our faith!"

While Irwin is not the only tv naturalist known for wrestling with unsuspecting animals, he has borne the brunt of resentment from the Animal Kingdom. In recent weeks a party of geckos, salamanders and a komodo dragon attempted to sabotage a jeep bearing recordings of Irwin's show. And in 2003 a cabal of wallabies and camels gained notoriety for urinating relentlessly on Irwin's tent during his excursion into the Outback. Irwin was forced to withdraw despite repeated efforts to chase the animals and wrestle them on camera. The animals fled and no one was charged, leading to accusations that some officials in the Australian government sympathized with the terrorists.

"We have borne these attacks against good men like Irwin for too long," Mr. Laughlin said. "Finally, despite our best efforts, they have broken through our defenses and hit us where it hurts the most. You are either with us against the natural world, or you are against us!"

Mr. Laughlin recommended immediate action against radical stingrays and their other reptile accomplices, saying strong action now could win the hearts and minds of the animal world to a democratic system.

"Imagine a world in which a democratized Great Barrier Reef would become a beacon of light, democracy and free market capitalism to be envied by the rest of the animal world," Mr. Laughlin said.

We are fighting for our very way of life," Mr. Laughlin said. "We believe in freedom. We believe in Democracy. These creatures live by the laws of kill or be killed and survival of the fittest. There is no room for this barbarism in the modern world. They will begin to behave like civilized animals, or they will face our wrath! Part of our destiny on earth is to liberate stingrays from oppression, or to kill them. At very least, we should pin them to the sea floor and prod them while making bug-eyed expressions of adoration. It's what Steve would have wanted."