damn adult rock

starting over is hard.

self-evident perhaps. but it's easy to forget when you're careening forward through force of momentum alone. take that away and each try takes so much more effort. it's possible that starting in general could be given the same "is hard" treatment… though it lacks the frustration that comes when you have the "i've done this before" realization.

talking to a friend, i claimed today that i think about relationship prospects as much if not more than career prospects. an interesting comparison considering that i don't really have either right now. my friend quickly replied that a 90/10 relationship/career split is probably more common so that my ~50/50 was pretty good. of course upon reflection i admitted that i was making a conservative estimate.

i went out on a first date last saturday.

i met her through my friend ramona. and as a single man that prefers the coupled state, i asked her out. (after i heard she thought i was "cute" (why not "hot" or "tasty"?)) we had the pre-date lunch a week ago and took care of all the administrative introductory crap. i was not feeling it. no proverbial butterfly or spark. now even though i trust my instincts, i tend to withhold judgement in relationships.

the date was fine. dinner at cobras and matadors (i admit that i'd been there only once before with jennifer). interesting conversation and such. drinks and dancing at 3 of clubs (not my choice but i instantly remembered that i'd been there once before with maital). terrible music and i look like a fool when i dance, but good times otherwise. so why go through all of this when i don't "feel it"?

i know my tastes. i know now what i don't want better than ever before. doesn't mean that it's easy to find what i do want. perhaps it just means that i'm an intolerant snob. depends on whom you ask. but why should any of us settle or compromise? especially on the core aspects of our lives. this self casts a shadow over everything i do and i want to look at that shape with satisfaction.

in writing this i'm stalling… i should be writing an email back to her. she invited me to go see luchavavoom on thursday. something i would be so into… if it weren't for the fact that i don't see a relationship between us. can we just be friends? ouch.