variations on a theme

"look around you, take a good look. just between you and me, are you sure that this is where you want to be?"

-willie nelson, "are you sure"

that was just a lyric to kick off a post of a personal nature. seemed appropriate. i know these songs are not about me. they're just a way for me to remember where i am. as a disclaimer, there are going to be a few other music references below…

some audio context too:

over the past few days, i have been listening to a song called "exodus damage" (alias remix) by john vanderslice, that i found on the m3 online music blog. i won't link directly to the file as a matter of polite web custom, but i urge you to go there and check out the track. the original is good too. it's all in the monday, april 17, 2006 entry. pretty much all the vanderslice tracks there are awesomely lo-fi. that song though has been haunting me for about a week now… i don't care if you like it. i know it's flawed but it works for me.

(i will probably be at his show in sf on 5/12)

so there are two things that i want to connect here.

the first was the surprise i found after looking up an ex-girlfriend online. she's getting married in october. this was the girl i had dated my first year at ucla. in many ways it was my first "serious" relationship. perhaps it set the precedent for all my future relationships. we had poor communication, mismatched affection, and a distance between us that we could not overcome. the aftermath was bad. we are no longer in touch.

"short in love with a long divorce…"

-modest mouse, "trailer trash"

i had gone searching because earlier in the day i had a conversation about relationships with my friend ramona. she has recently split with her boyfriend and we hung out on sunday for the first time in a while. played gin rummy on the living room floor and talked about what we really wanted out of relationships. we're pretty much polar opposites. seems to make it easier to be honest with ourselves though.

the second thing was the surprise, delivered by my mom over the phone today, that my most recent ex had emailed her. i was unprepared for that news. we haven't had any kind of contact for almost a year. the breakup was bad. we also had poor communication, mismatched affection and insurmountable distance between us. i seemed to cause her pain with every sound i made, so i chose silence.

"please don't confront me with my failures, i had not forgotten them."

-nico, "these days"

she had written my mom to ask about her health. last year, just as the relationship was beginning the ending, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. she finished chemotherapy during the winter and is waiting for the one year mark now. so my mom wrote her back with the good news. the reply to that from my ex gave a thumbs up and an update on her what and whereabouts. i already knew the news that my mom relayed to me. i'll admit that i read her blog regularly. she probably suspects it. and it's possible that she reads this. i want to know that she's okay.

this is all beyond the simple coincidences i've been observing and posting on. coincidence is just a pattern of two. a convenient way to remark about the events i don't understand. keeps the scientist inside me wondering.

so two ghosts visited. two women i once loved. i have not forgotten them. they are two of my framers. i can admit that.

"so now we're talking about this, I'm starting to lose my confidence. no one ever says a word about
so much that happens in the world."

-john vanderslice, "exodus damage"

shit… i have to go without completing this. i just got some really bad news.

–

one of my business partners found out he has prostate cancer today. early stage and "very treatable" apparently.

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i don't think i have anything more to say on the main topic of this post.

i'm having trouble sleeping again.