Scandalgate '04: Week 1

Transcript from press conference:

MIKE: Last night, I proudly announced my bid for the presidency of the United States. At the same time, I announced my running mate. Unfortunately, information has surfaced which casts a dark shadow on Tripp's suitability as my choice for Vice President. A spokesperson for Tripp, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Tripp "hate[s] orphans" and that he "can hope for [them] to die."

These are not the values America values. Therefore, I've been left with no choice but to find a new Vice President. I informed Tripp of my decision hours earlier and he has already responded by airing an irresponsible and misinformative attack ad. The shameful ad alleges that I once refused to attend a wedding with my then-girlfriend even though she'd already RSVP'd. That, instead, I stayed home and spent most of the day playing video games, and wondering if a dozen roses would smooth things over, or if a half dozen would do.

Let me face this personal attack head on by saying: Tripp only seeks to distract voters from his own sorry record. While in the midst of a recession, Tripp boycotted a local, small business, that is so vital to making our economy strong.

At a time when the issue of gay marriage divides the nation and threatens to infect 152 million children and cause thousands of layoffs at the Federal Institute of Matrimony, Tripp shows nothing but contempt for the religion that made our founding fathers like Thomas Paine and Benjamin Franklin so great. He demonstrates this contempt by reading, and bragging about reading, Harry Potter, a great threat to the very religion that is so vital to making our economy strong.

Finally, Tripp has demonstrated that he is out of touch with mainstream America by professing his fondness for soccer. Even though we have a perfectly legitimate American Football, whose heroes have died for this country, Tripp would prefer to let the European Union decide what sports we should watch.

I would like to close my address by announcing my alternate running mate: Mr. Socko. He only talks when I put my hand up his ass so I don't have to worry about him saying something that will embarrass me.

MR. SOCKO: You mean about how you got caught proposing to that transvestite prostitute on the Jumbotron at the Staples Center?

MIKE: That's right, Mr. S- Hey!

Mike. Mr. Socko. Transvestitutes.

The choice is yours.