Scandalgate '04: The Beginning

Recently, officials at Mike campaign headquarters received the emails excerpted here:

i am writing in regards to your "candidacy" for president.
Specifically the claims that you are actually running. you stated that once proven wrong you would never bring up a subject again. well, i submit that you are not even old enough to run for the presidency, thereby rendering your comments over the past week and a half null and void. i would have thought someone of mr. socko's foresight might have picked up on this before he made an attampt on your life. needless to say, that i have sold this information to various tabloid publications in order to finance a new fleet of HISS tanks, and a new laboratory for a scientist friend of mine whose name is NOT dr. mindbender.

The first letter is signed "NOT cobra commander." However, handwriting experts have determined that the spelling errors and numerous grammatical flaws do indeed match those found in Cobra Commander's personal diary. The second letter comes from the celebrity provocateur and international playboy known only as JVP:

We'd like to know whose hand was up Mr. Socko's ass at the time of the apparent attempt on Mike's life? Also we'd like to know whether we can expect Mike's hand up the new running mate's ass in the near future?

To address the various issues raised by these concerned citizens, investigators hired by the Mike Campaign, are releasing the following transcript of a taped conversation discovered at the 25th Annual Virginia Illegal Wiretap and Rifle Rodeo:

COBRA COMMANDER: Welcome gentlemen. I trusted getting past the new security system wasn't too much a bother. If it was, then you were too weak to be of any use to me, and deserved to be weeded out!

DR. MINDBENDER: I love what you've done with the 'Drome.

COBRA COMMANDER: Thank you. As you all know, Operation: InDecision '04 had been running according to plan. Our two puppet candidates were dividing this country into equal, and equally controllable, halves. However, a meddlesome new candidate, Mike, has interfered with my brilliant scheme by creating what could be a viable third party.

DESTRO: Perhaps we could take him out of the running…permanently.

COBRA COMMANDER: Ordinarily, I would agree. However, in this case, Mike may prove more useful to us alive. Allow me to introduce our new associate: Frenchie!

FRENCHIE: Bon soir, mes amis. As we speak, one of my top agents is insinuating himself into the position of Mike's Vice President. With this agent in place, we will be able to bend the new president to our will, controlling from behind the scenes. To all outward appearances, Mike will still be the upstanding candidate he claims to be, but the dupe will in fact be doing COBRA's bidding.

ZARTAN: But how can we be sure Mike will be elected?

COBRA COMMANDER: Silence, buffoon! Do you think those simpering "party" candidates are any match for Mike?

FRENCHIE: Merci, Monsieur Commander.

COBRA COMMANDER: For the last time, my last name isn't "Commander."

FRENCHIE: Mais non, your last name is "Commander" and your first name is "Cobra," is it not?

DESTRO: He named the dog "Cobra."

ZARTAN: You mean I belong to a terrorist organization named after a dog?

COBRA COMMANDER: I loved that dog. Anyway, Cobra Commander is just a title. I don't address Zartan's birthday cards to "Disguise Master" or Destro's to "Second Guesser." My name is Jenkins. Gary Jenkins.

DR. MINDBENDER: Jenkins is a beautiful name.

FRENCHIE: Regardless, our plans will soon come to fruition. The world is about to be ours.

COBRA COMMANDER: Indeed, but I see by my Swatch that it's beer o'clock. Meeting adjourned.

[Sounds of people leaving. Pause.]

FRENCHIE: Fools, little do they know that they too are pawns in my little game! [ the sound of ripping off, as though of a fake moustache] Those Cobra imbeciles don't realize that it is I, Serpentor, who is pulling the strings.

UNKNOWN VOICE: Yes, once I assassinate President Mike, I will gain the Presidency, and you will reclaim your former glory!

SERPENTOR: The dominos are all in place, aren't they…Mr. Socko?

[End transcript]

Unfortunately, that was as much of the conversation that could fit on the tape after a dub of "Purple Rain." However, Mike campaign investigators are still on the case. This site will be updated as information becomes available.

Related on the web:

Destro Character May Be Based on Dick Cheney (Or Vice Versa)