A Translator's Guide to the English Language

Now that temperatures are dropping, many of you are probably heading to your winter homes in the sunny land of England (Across the pond, they have summer when we have winter). For those of you who aren't going, maybe you have a friend who is, who will bring you back a racy t-shirt. Either way, I thought now would be a good time for a lesson in some of the differences between the King's English and the Bi-Cameral Legislature's English.

1. "Across the pond" - to be insane. For example: "Ted, my girlfriend is across the pond. Should I cheat on her?"
In other words, I just misused the phrase in the last paragraph.

2. "Take the lift" - to make fun of or insult. For example: "Don't take the lift, use the stairs." In this example "use the stairs" is another new phrase meaning to engage in light slapstick, or physical comedy.

3. "Bugger" - to annoy. For example: "The Queen was just here and she was buggerin' me."

4. "Fish and chips" - male genitalia. For example: "Give me the fish and chips and a glass of Coke." In this example, the speaker is willing to perform oral sex in exchange for a line of Coke (cocaine) on a hand mirror, or glass. That "fish and chips" is a common item on restaurant menus throughout the country demonstrates their much more lax attitude toward the sexual arts.

5. "Loo" - highway, or interstate. For example: "The loo's backed up and I really have to go!"

6. "Queen" - boogey man or trickster. The origins of this expression are unclear but likely come from early tribal creation myths. For example: "The Queen was just here and she was buggerin' me."

That's all the translation I have the patience for, but remember: using these expressions correctly and frequently will help overcome the cultural barriers and endear you to the native populace.