Assop's Fables

The Rabbit and the Turtle

One day a Rabbit was bragging to the other animals that he was the fastest of them all. 'Will no one dare to race me?' he asked.

 'I will accept your challenge,' said the Turtle.

'Good luck,' exclaimed the Rabbit, 'Not!'

So the two began their race. The Rabbit darted off and soon disappeared around the next turning.  Meanwhile the Turtle continued along at a very slow, steady plod. Within minutes the Rabbit crossed the finish line, winning the race, while the Turtle had barely begun. The Rabbit looked back over his shoulder and called,

'GOD DAMN, TURTLES ARE SLOW!!'

The Two Painters and Their Windows

Last Tuesday two homeless Painters were begging for work when a Famous King passed by. 'I will give each of you a nice house,' he said, 'if you can paint the entire countryside through only the view from your window!' Each Painter agreed and took a house of their own choosing. The first Painter's house had a lovely bay window while the second Painter's house had only a small window but a much larger garage. The first Painter soon finished his working and he and the Famous King began the long wait for the second Painter, who had to continually renovate his house so the smaller window would show the next bit of countryside he needed to paint, which the first Painter only needed to do two or three times. While they were waiting the first Painter cried,

'SPLURGE FOR A BIGGER MONITOR!!'

La Femme Nikita

Some years ago the Horses and the Goats were having a dispute. After many arguments, the entire barnyard gathered for a meeting where they would attempt to ease relations between the disputants. The Chief Goat spoke first, but only to complain, 'The Horses are always eating our hay. Sometimes they leave their wastes in our pens!' This caused a general murmur among the gathered animals. Then the Horse Premier had his turn to speak. He took off his shoe and banged it on his stall door, and shouted at the Goats,

'WE WILL BURY YOU!!'

What the Monkey Told the Bee

You obviously know that Monkey and Bee are not very friendly toward each other. However, the two often find themselves sharing the same stretch of the river. On one such occasion, as the two went about their individual business, the Bee grew tired of the loud noises the Monkey made as he drank from the river. Quick as a flash, the Bee stung the Monkey in order to teach the Monkey a lesson. Instead, the Monkey taught the Bee a lesson. He grabbed the Bee, pulled off his wings, plucked his stinger, and before popping the Bee into his mouth to suck out the sweet Bee juice, the Monkey said,

'IF HE SENDS ONE OF YOUR GUYS TO THE HOSPITAL YOU SEND ONE OF HIS TO THE MORGUE!!'

The Lumberjack and the Architect

A long time ago the Lumberjack and the Architect were walking in the woods when the Lumberjack noticed dark clouds in the distance.

"We'd better build a shelter," he said. The Lumberjack immediately felled some trees and began building a crude hut while the Architect took measurements and planned how to adjoin the branches to best protect from the rain. Soon the Lumberjack completed his shelter and crawled into it. The Architect had only begun building the roof when the rains came and so had nought but a corner to hide under. As the storm grew stronger, the Architect remained dry but was curled up tightly in his corner, while the Lumberjack's roof leaked a little, but he had room to crawl around. 'I may be getting wet, but at least I have leg room!' cried the Lumberjack, 'Now you see that you should just'

'GIT ER DONE!!'

The Aardvark and His Stories

There lived an unhappy Aardvark in the woods. The reason for his discomfiture was that the Lion who ruled the forest was a very harsh master because of his harelip, which made social situations awkward for him and he tended to lash out at weaker creatures. Weary of being put upon by the cruel Lion, the Aardvark began telling the other animals stories about a wicked king who had a cleft palate. All the animals laughed until one day, the Lion overheard the telling and recognized the similarities between himself and the King. Enraged, he pounced upon the Aardvark. Just before he ate him up, the Lion told the Aardvark,

'ONLY PUSSIES INSULT KINGS WITH POORLY DISGUISED ANECDOTES ABOUT ANIMALS!!'