happy birfday lil bro!!

so much has changed in the last week. so much within me, so much on the outside as a part of it. what i thought was an anxiety attack last weekend was more like a crash to earth/reality. what i had thought was dealing with my mom’s condition well was really just bottling things up and making myself too busy to think. thus when the excitement of the hurricane week, no school, home, birthday, and party ended, i crashed. and how.

describing a panic attack to someone who has never had one seems close to impossible. the only thing i can think of is the feeling of waking up from a nightmare or sitting up in your bed thinking there’s someone breaking into your house, taking that momentary panic and magnifying it, then stretching it out over more time. nothing seems logical, real, clear, except the fear. and once you have had it happen more than once you start fearing that fear itself (thanks, mr roosevelt). it starts out being worried about my mom, escaltes, snowballs, and eventually becomes such a omniscient presence that it’s a blanket fear and panic about everything.

so after losing my shit entirely, i have been taking this week to try to get it back together. i went to my doctor and finally asked for some medicinal help. i went to the psychologist at school and talked my heart and cried my eyes out. and i searched and found a counselor i will start seeing tomorrow.

i’ve also asked for a leave of absence from the kennel. that means no more sunday shifts for a long time, and full weekends in fairfax as far as the eye can see. i think the hardest part will be saying goodbye and driving back to richmond each sunday night.