'since i don't have you'

today is my second mother's day without my mother. i stayed in bed for most of it, finally hauling my ass up at 3pm, disgusted at my wasting a gorgeous empty sunday.

kim called yesterday to ask if i wanted to do something today, i know she was trying to take my mind off the day and alleviate the intensity of mother's day sans mother. cheri texted, too, today, with a thinking-of-you note which i really appreciated. we went out last night and had a great time, much to my relief. it's nice to have reconnected with her and felt like we are actually friends again.

i did finally manage to get my act together enough to have a nice dinner with kim at the grey wolf and now have come home to grade papers and watch good sunday night tv. i feel emotionally constipated - i've got some hurting to do and some tears to shed today, but so far it's just not happening. it makes me feel unsettled, and hollow.

i seem to have blocked out mother's day of last year but i can't recall feeling so unable to be emotional. i do wish for some kind of release. i am hoping to feel a little bit of something crying through extreme home makeover, as i inevitably do when i watch it. it seems rididulous to have to jump-start my emotions like that, but at this point i will take what i can get hoping for catharsis.

the double whammy of mother's day and my mom's birthday kind of casts a veil over a week or so. i'm not sad all the time or anything, but her absence is felt all the more, lingering over everything. i wonder where she is and if she's watching me. i would give just about anything to know.