'hokey pokey'

writing from the awe-inspiring brooklyn library. wow. it, like everything else i have adjusted to in the last week, is slightly overwhelming. i appreciate the fact that i now have a library card and am amazed at the system here - use of the card and my new PIN allow me to queue for a computer, login on, etc., all via swiping. while i await my earthlink self-installation kit, it is nice to know i can swipe my way to free internet access here instead of paying $2.50 per 15-minute chunk at the internet cafe near my apartment.

when i was having my mental breakdown last week i lameneted, among innumerable other things, the fact that school didn't start for another month. i always keep myself so busy that when faced with a ginormous amount of unaccounted-for time i have a hard time. now i have settled into setting up my apartment in smaller, more managable tasks. last night it was bookshelves and books, so my little studio already feels a lot more homey. my cable was also installed today, and i am so pleased to have the connection to the world and news and a lot of other things that i was missing.

tripp endeared himself to me last night by calling and asking slightly frantically he was correct in his reading of yesterday's post to mean that i have no insurance at the moment. this is, in fact, false, i am relieved to report. i DO still have my VA insurance through september 30; my NY job will take over insurance october 1. however, the shitty plan i have through anthem puts every doctor in NY in the not-covered column, since everyone up here is obviously out of network. thus, my visit to the ER last week, which is covered as an emergency. shew.

my breakdown last week was so inherently linked to the loss of my mother a year and a half ago. i honestly felt as though someone had ripped off my grieving bandage and i had just lost her. i think it was perhaps a mistake to not continue seeing a conselor for a longer time after her death. i think somehow i oversimplified everything, thinking that all my life i was scarfed of losing my mom, and that after she did die, that was that. and of course, that was certainly not that, and last week made me realize i still have so much to work through. i am seeing a great social worker through hospice of NY, and thursday i am attending a new members meeting at gilda's club, which seems, from what i have read and heard, to just be an amazing, revolutionary, fantastic organization. cosmically, one of its two 'clubhouses' is located right in my neighborhood. to have found people here who truly care just bowls me over. i feel like my mom is working overtime somewhere to help me out and make sure i get through this all okay.