'good grief'

in an hour i will be sitting in my first bereavement group meeting at gilda's club. i feel mildly anxious. one thing that's weird, is that i am in a pretty good mood. somehow, that seems inappropriate given the topic of the group. i realize i don't need to head into every meeting bawling my eyes out, but skipping on into the building doesn't quite jive, either. in the past going to see counselors/shrinks/etc when feeling jovial felt wrong, too. but i know i am being dumb. and surely there is a lesson about owning my feelings in their somewhere, too.

with some hindsight i have realized that when i am feeling okay and capable and dealing well with my mom's death, i tend to feel like i don't need any help like groups or social workers or even talking to friends. as a result, though, i think things like what i now think of as my my move-to-NYC meltdown occur, because i haven't sufficiently prepared myself emotionally. coping and kind of going with my feelings of loss kind of seem like they need to at least live in the middleground of my mind most of the time, for it is the times when those feelings get pushed back that they come out and sucker punch me and consequentally TKO me later.

the meeting went well and i laughed really hard a few times. who would have thought?