i want my students to love me. i want them to like me. i need a connection. i haven't really felt it yet. i'm not used to feeling needy as a teacher. i click well with kids, they like me and i dig them, and we gel. i don't feel like i am getting my new students, or maybe they are not getting me. i stare out at these faces and look for something i'm not getting…or that i'm not giving? i dunno.

i think a lot of them wonder what a young white woman is doing at their school. how do i handle that? i offer myself to them; i put myself out there. i show them i am a person and not just the teacher who sleeps on a cot under her desk at night. so where's the click?

at alison's baptism this weekend, i took communion for the first time in a long time. even with my conflicting swirly thoughts on spirituality and Religion, it was comfortable to go through with the ritual. in the past i have used the moment after taking the bread and wine for a fast, crucial little prayer. something quick and to the point, felt more earnestly when kneeling and looking heavenward. anyway. for years my bulletin-to-jesus communion rail prayers were directed towards my mother's illness, a silent and urgent plea for her not to be taken away. even now my little missives take on an intensity, and sunday was no exception. this particular church's communion was a feat in efficiency, and the pastor moved steadily down the line dispensing body and blood with ease and speed. these parishoners rose from the rail quickly and headed rapidly back down the steps. i felt a little panicked to get in my urgent prayer, and hastily asked god to please bless my family and especially my beautiful niece alison…and my students.

i'm not sure really where it came from. i'm not averse to entering students' well-being i my prayers, and the few kids i have seen buried have haunted my thoughts at the foreground of most all for awhile. but intoning wishes for my general students' well-being, i took myself by surprise. i am still trying to figure it out.