'ask for help'

i'm not doing terribly well right now. on sunday it will be two years to the day that my mother died, and this anniversary is really hard for me. i don't remember it being like this last year, though i think one of the hardest things for me is being away from home on the day. i can't be with my father, or tanja, or margaret, and it makes me feel so much more lonely and isolated.

i don't know if i ever thought it would be this hard. during the 15, 16 years my mom was battling cancer, i couldn't really see past the point where she would actually die. it was what i most feared, and i never got around to thinking about what it would be like when she was gone. it is the small things that are the hardest. wanting to ask about one of her recipes i am struggling to recreate. longing to call her on the phone for a pep talk when i am having one of my "stomachaches." wishing for one more of her smiley face notes to pop up in the mail one day.

i know my life wouldn't be perfect if she was still with me, but sometimes i can't help but feel like so many things would be so wrong. she would know how i could better organize my apartment. she'd keep on my father to help keep the house organized and discipline sadie. she would know exactly how to deal with my sister when she's being a prima donna mother.

i carry her with me always but sometimes she seems further and further away. on my bed i keep the quilt her friend made her the year she began hospice treatment, the quilt that she used every day in her sick bed. at nights i bury my face into it and let the tears leak into its soft cotton, sometimes letting myself believe i can still smell her scent on the material if i try hard enough.