'8.16am - recap'

there was a moment last night that i wish i could have just bottled up somehow. sucked it up, put it in my pocket and taken it with me wherever i go. i could pat my pocket for reassurance whenever i needed it, finding solace in the fact that i could have it if i wanted to.

the past day has been so bittersweet. i'm completely at odds internally and of course there isn't a way for me to stay completely in the moment 100% without having that pit in my stomach of what was - what is - to come. although i really don't know what it is i am so scared of.

i hate that i don't want to go back today. i hate admitting that new york has not been the dream i'd always hoped for. i know that i was never naive enough to believe that my life would be perfect there, but i thought somehow that the city would hold more answers for me, not bring more questions.

i had never thought past new york, not really. it's something i wanted for so long, and at points thought was never going to happen. and as it has become my reality in the past 5 months i have been surprised to find myself wondering… well, now what?

i want to wake him up, wrap myself in his arms, and hide. maybe forever.

later that day

so, i have not been so proud of myself today. i lost my shit about 6 times between this morning and this evening, for a strange a varied set of reasons. being back in VA showed me all the things -mostly the people- that i miss, and has made some holes in NY all the more prominent. being with todd made me realize how much i miss that connection. being back in my old house made me realize i don't know how to define "home" anymore without my mom. altogether it made me needy and cry-y and all the things i'd rather not be. but i am hoping it's good for me to let myself be that for a little while, to let it out so i can figure out how to deal with it all.