i'm supposed to head into the city tonight to hang out with jill at her studio and then go out, and super want a friday PM power-up. that's my usual combination of reading the new "entertainment weekly" in bed until i doze off for a nice hour or two nap. i wake up all refreshed and ready to go, less likely to konk out at 11pm. however, although tired, i can not sleep! i have lost my napping powers! i feel like austin powers when he lost his mojo.

this week has been emotionally insane. monday seems about three lifetimes ago. i'm not really freaking out anymore, but my mind runs a looping litany of where are you, and where are you when you disappear like this? it does hurt. and i don't think i can do it like this anymore, though almost every part of who i really am can just not let go.

no one ever explains when you're little, how grey life can be. how things don't work out easily and can be more complicated than anything you would ever imagine. i grew up thinking that there would be that one Someone one day who would be the be all to end all. that all i had to do was find him. that finding him was the hard part, and that once i did, we would recognize each other, spot eachother in the din of life, grab hands, and hold on tight forever.

well at this point at my old age of 28 i feel as though i've been through different Someones, all so many times. it was never right. no one ever mentioned, when i was little, that things with your Someone might not be just right. that there are differences and diseases and infidelities and addictions and long distances and jobs and families and responsibilities and money and more disappointments that you can ever imagine that can get in the way. that maybe your Someone isn't who you thought he was to begin with. that maybe you just mistook him for someone else.

and i feel gypped. at my core i am a romantic, and i feel like slowly life chips away at that, determined to crack the innocence of that belief and show me how stupid it is. and i want to fight it. i want to come out with my belief system intact. i don't want to be called naive or blind. i don't want to have to face reality and i don't want to get over it. i don't want to be pitied and i don't want to be told how fabulous and wonderful i am and that i deserve more and that one day it will come to me.

i want to be able to just go with my heart. and i want everything to be alright.

"…For I'm one too many mornings
And a thousand miles behind."