'just a fading ——- reminder'

this guy erik i knew from high school found me through myspace the other day. it was really weird to hear from him. back in the day, he, my ex-boyfriend mike, and i were a total threesome, roaming the halls of horrid old FHS, ducking outside so they could sneak cigarettes (i was the lookout). after school we'd head over to the coffeehouse where they would smoke and smoke more and i would drink cherry italian sodas. we would talk about everything, sitting at the bar or nestled in some corner, staring at the artwork on the walls or scribbling significant things in journals. to this day smelling smoke in my clothes takes me back to this place, soundtracked by fugazi and nin and nirvana and scented with the aroma of fresh ground coffee beans, stale air, and unfiltered camel lights. erik belongs to another time and another me.

that time of my life hangs suspended in my memory, poignant and isolated. i still think of mike constantly. i don't know how it works to be so close to one person that you'd be willing to give yourself for them one day, and to soon thereafter simply have them no longer be a part of your existence. he used to be the air i breathed. after i broke up with him, the message was passed along to me from him that he never wanted to speak to me again unless i was called to tell him i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. mike was all or nothing.

the end never sat well with me. i wanted to be friends, but i guess maybe when you're involved with someone to such an all-encompassing degree, nothing less can ever exist.

i wonder where he is today and if he still is the same angry, intense, hurting, compelling person he was 10 years ago. i dream about him to this day and remember how much i hurt him. i wish to go back to change something, although i am not sure what. i trick myself into believing i see him sometimes, only to face strangers. i continue to yearn to see him in front of me. but if i saw him on the street, i wouldn't know what to say.