'one entry found for sacrilege'

going to easter services with my father at my old church today got me into such a mental tizzy. i sat next to him in the pew, feeling like a fraud for being there, for repeating the familiar words, for singing the songs i have known for as long as i can remember. i felt a nauseous pit in my stomach as i sat through the sermon not knowing who or what the farce was. i just find the religion i have been raised into so hard to simply accept.

there was a baptism at the service today, too, which further muddled my thinking. not feeling like i believe in things seems to directly contradict the pull that i have to one day have my children baptised. and bring them to sunday school. would that be the biggest sham of all, to have my offspring taught to believe in things i can't necessarily say i have true faith in? or does it simply make sense to give them a background in christianity to educate them, in hopes that they one day can use it to decide for themselves what they believe in?

i feel like it's important to state that i do have faith. but what it is i have faith in i can not name. i trust in a feeling. and when i pray i don't really know who or what i am praying to.