'chazu'

i was really premature in my last post thinking i was making angst-progress. yesterday sucked. granted the last day of any vacation sucks, and mondays suck, but i don't know why i keep thinking that one of these weekends it's gonna be easier to leave todd and come back to brooklyn. benjamin franklin said "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." so what can i change in this pattern to produce a different result?

my sadness also seems to be kind of indiscriminate. it's like one moment i am a little mopey and sad about saying goodbye but then the next i am flat-out bawling because i miss my mom. once the 'sad' switch gets flipped, it's like all bets are off. and i worry that it's making me selfish. yesterday todd got to sign the lease on his new townhouse. he's so excited about his new place, and i am excited about it, too -i adore seeing him so happy- but it was like i couldn't come out of my mopiness to be supportive and roll with the goodness. that's so lame.

when i woke up this morning, one of my contacts was gone. i guess it somehow fell out in the night while i slept - but what was i doing with my eyes open while i was sleeping? it was odd to wake up with one eye seeing perfectly clearly and the other seeing only blurs. it took me a moment to figure out what was going on. i'm sure there much symbolism to be taken from this antecdote, but i'm not sure i can muster the strength at the moment.

alright, have given myself mental shaking and snap-the-fuck-out-of-it talking to. no more mooning. especially when there are things to watch on tv like wrestling, which currently incorporates a storyline in which GOD is wrestling with shawn micheals as his tag team partner (or perhaps more aptly, vice versa). and no, god is not some strange new wrestler. they are talking the almighty, as in: