gone through two flipouts today and it’s only 5.30pm. one was financial – finding out my tax returns were not right and finding out the $951 rebate i was anticipating will probably not come to fruition. let’s just say that my financial situation for the next few weeks has me in a raman-noodle-ville. you’d think at 28 i could get my shit together when it comes to money. but no. i spend frivolously, buy too much of everything, and lend when i feel its worth it.
the second freakout was yet another todd-related worry session where for approximately the hundredth time i wondered wtf i am doing planning on another year in new york when he is in virginia.
i hate that i am such an emotional responder. that the tears fall and the blood pressure rises and my stomach starts twisting and turning but it’s always something just going on in my head. how i wish to be calm and level-headed, able to leap problems and difficult situations with a single bound, sans tears and hysteria. i react to things i am thinking about as if they are actual physical threats to my current well-being. once outside the original panic, i can see how ridiculous this is.
occasionally, though, these flipouts result in some insights. or maybe it’s just talking to someone (who actually makes sense) during them. and here is my ephiphany. for so long i made decisions based on my mother’s illness. where to go to school, where to live, basically what to do with my life. i don’t regret these decisions. but after she died i didn’t have that focus anymore, and it was something i kind of relied upon as a guide upon which choices were made.
weirdly, i think i yearn for that now. for some direction. someone or something to base my decisions on. i think i look at todd and his son and i subconsciously see the stability i want for myself. it’s a ready-made family unit, to boot – something i obviously feel like i’ve been lacking without my mom.
and all this fights with my logical side that admits that it’s far too soon to made any big decisions like moving based on a relationship that is, in its present entity, only a few months old. if a friend told me they were considering relocating to live with a new boyfriend who lived a few states away, i wouldn’t think it was a good idea. but when it comes to me, i feel like this must be so different than that. but that’s a trap i think everyone falls for – thinking their own situations and feelings are completely unique. it makes it less special to be the same as who other people have gone through.
what makes gives me right to assume that what i feel has to be bigger, better, stronger, more everything than something that happened to you?