i am now basically half-responsible for the rearing of an almost-nine year old boy. after this week, zane will be with us full-time. we registered him for school today but this particular life change still has not entirely sunk in. the responsibility is an awesome one, and not one that i take lightly, but it’s such a strange dynamic. i’ve babysat for over half my life and have been responsible for teaching other people’s children for the last seven, but to actually be sharing a living environment with a kid is a whole ‘nother ballgame – and one that is hard because i’ve arrived late.

if i had just had a baby, life would seem more logical, albeit more nuts. being a new mommy and figuring things out as you go along seem to be de rigeur. there are mommy groups and what to expect books that give you a blueprint, friends offering advice, and family eager to share the joy of an infant. it’s crazy and confusing and a million other adjectives, i’m sure, but it’s thr norm. parents do it. your parents did it, their parents did it, you’ll do it one day if you’re not doing it now. but an eight year old comes with a personality and emotions and life experiences and no instruction manual.

zane is a great kid in so many ways, but my heart aches for the ways i think he would be different had he been afforded a more stable childhood with a lot of the shitty parts Xed out. he’s not very affectionate and i struggle not to take it personally. he’s not mean or cruel or resistant, just kind of indifferent. not that it doesn’t make sense for him to react with apathy. in fact, i’m probably lucky to even elicit that response. if nearly every woman i’d been exposed to in my life was loony tunes, or caused me harm, i don’t know that i’d be anxious to open my arms to any new bitches, either.

with children, i’m used to warmth and love and affection and hugs, and for that not to exist in my relationship with a child who is so dear to me – it’s a bastard of a horse-pill to swallow, but something i recognize i can’t force. right now our tie exists through our love for his father, but i don’t feel that zane and i have actually bonded. i’ve been reassured that this will come in time, but, not to overdramatize, but it doesn’t make it any less painful for me at the moment.

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