'as the trees love water and sunshine'

zane's friend thomas came over today.  this is not insignificant.

zane has hung around with grownups a lot in his 9-year old life, especially grandparents, and is socially awkward at times.  todd says he used to not really even have friends.  so far in this year at his new school to have developed a relationship with this boy, to the point where they look and act and sound like eachother, seems deserving of nothing less than an hallelujah.

they are eating dinner together now talking their 3rd grade talk and eating their english muffin mini-pizzas.  i had to really control myself and not go overboard trying to create the Funnest Playdate ever.   i did make dirt for dessert though.

i'm not having the thrice-weekly identity crises i was having when Z first came to us full time, but the bewilderment of i am helping raise a child has not left me altogether, and i doubt that it will.  it's weird to sometimes have these pangs when i yearn for experiences that have passed that i was never a part of - zane as a toddler, teaching him the alphabet, stuff like that.  it intensifies my own mommy desires, the want to be able to start at the beginning.

at this point i want babies more than i want to be married.  the decision to wed feels less significant than my decision to move to VA from NY to be with todd.   that was pretty much my statement of commitment, you know?

i don't know where i am going with this.

that was not a metaphor.