oh, christmas.  how it feels like anything but.  sandwiched in between my hard-of-hearing grandfather, who is spending the first christmas in seventy-four years without my grandmother, and my father, whose quirks and behavior have caused both my sister and i to recently hypothesize about him possibly being aspergerian.

it’s weird and sort of laid back on this holiday trip.  i’ve been reading a lot and playing a lot on my laptop, having been blessed with the christmas miracle of poachable wi-fi from a generous -or more likely unknowing- frankenmuth neighbor.  i finished the last twilight book with some sadness but am now pleasantly ensconced in the hour i first believed.  i love the feeling of being comfortably settled in the middle of a good book – it’s dependable and there whenever i want it.

when it’s not really quiet around here it’s ridiculously painful.  my grandpa, in his deafened state, has also grown picky of late – in food, of action…  he reamed me the first night we were here for my lack of capitalization of his name, said that i could do what i wanted to with my own but that he wanted a big E and a big H.  he spends hours a day playing sudoku, laying on his bed, and i swear sometimes i can hear his mind whirring busily.

i have such a difficult time listening to my father talk to him.  he raises his voice and when my grandpa still can’t hear him, he shouts at him – as if the irritation and agitation are something he can’t hear, either.  no amount of persuasion causes him to pause before one of his screamed tirades. he just can’t see what is wrong.

i miss todd.  this is our third christmas together, yet not actually together as 600 miles separates us again.  i find myself still reluctant to do christmas with his family, although we all gather together for easter and thanksgiving.  i think it’s still ties to my mother.  even if christmas current is nothing like the christmases with her, it is still tied to her memory.  as if doing something with todd’s family would cut one last tie.  things with him are still off, and i’m not sure i know what to do anymore.

my youth pastor and i found each other on facebook.  i always liked him a lot and thought he was pretty cool.  i remember thinking how cool it was that a pastor had once been a bartender and still enjoyed margaritas.  he sent me a message that asked, “So…where did I go wrong that you list your religion as: “confused”???”   i wish i had an answer.