september 11 still hurts. soooo badly. and this morning as i watch slideshows and videos and read words of people who are hurting and healing and missing and crying my heart feels as though it’s been cleaved. i feel as though i have a strange attachment to this day because it is a day of Loss and i know Loss. i don’t want to cheapen the events of this day by making them about myself, but my feelings of what happened nine years ago springboard into an intense and consuming pain, that hole in my being that still cries out for my mother.
kanye west sings “last night, i saw you in my dreams / now i can’t wait to go to sleep.” i feel as though my dreaming world allows me to be with her. last friday night she was in my dreams, but it was different. i realized i was asleep, and in the dream i told her so. she said she knew too, but it was okay. we told each other “i love you” and it was truly amazing. i woke up because my phone beeped, and was so angry. i sobbed and was so angry. but i feel almost as though a door has been opened. i really felt like she was there, like we were talking.
the hurt of loss like this – like my own with my mother and like so many people feel because of september 11- is nothing that can be imagined. i feel as though a tangible piece of myself is gone and the ache is physical, and i don’t know if it will ever change.
remember everything, forget nothing.