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Triathlon: I’m a wookie and tri shorts suck

Posted by ray 23 Jun 2010

The triathlon is in a few days and at long last I’ve finally picked up a pair of tri-shorts. I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled with them. They don’t have the fit, coverage or support of bike shorts. Nonetheless, today was the day–the fateful day–to try them in all three disciplines and see if they’d be alright.

I hopped in the pool and knocked out a couple hundred yards before scurrying off to spin class. While the shorts are tight in places they shouldn’t be (across the hamstrings) and not tight enough in others (who wants a loose crotch, really?), I figured they be good enough.

Then I hit the run.

First off, I’d like it if skin tight clothing was actually snug enough to keep all the man bits in one place. After about a mile everything found their respective spots and settled in for the rest of the run. Okay. Smooth sailing. Good to go.

Or so I thought.

Upon getting of the treadmill, I passed a middle-aged woman with wide, stunned eyes that seemed to be directed to my crotch. Couldn’t be, I told myself and walked on by. Then I looked down and saw what will most definitely haunt that poor woman’s nightmares tonight. All my bright red pubic hair was trying to escape en masse through the fabric of the shorts.

Aww, hell.

It looked like I was trying to smuggle an Elmo doll in my shorts.

As I tried to nonchalantly obscure my junk with my water bottle and sweat towel, my mind clicked on that familiar bees-buzzing panic soundtrack of “whatamIgonnadowhatamIgonnadowhatamIgonnado?”

Awesome. So the tri is a few days away and the only pair of tri shorts I own apparently thinks it’d be funny to get me arrested for indecent exposure. Surely it’s not enough torture to simply cause a little chafing on the inner thighs or give me heinous muffin top. Nope. Nooo. Instead, let’s show the whole world fat boy’s down-there-hair.

What am I going to do? I don’t have enough time to run out, buy another pair of shorts, work out in them in all three disciplines and *hope* that those don’t make me look like some sort of sex criminal. What the hell is up with tri-shorts anyway? Why can’t they be at least as discreet at bike shorts. That’s right: tri shorts make my bright orange bike shorts look like formal wear. Instead of strangling my hamstrings (I’m thinking I’m going to NEED those somewhere in the race!), maybe give me a few more inches of length and hit above the knee, eh? Instead of riding low so everyone behind me can get a great view of my tramp stamp that pale white area right above my ass crack, maybe give me another half an inch so the jersey bottom will meet up whilst I’m on the bike? Or, you know, how ‘bout maybe, just maybe BEING THICK ENOUGH IN CERTAIN SPOTS SO NOT EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BALL HAIR.

Just a thought.

What am I going to do? I’m still on the fence about shaving my chest. There is NO WAY I’m shaving my junk for this race. Maybe I could wear a pair of actual bike shorts? But then what about the swim? They aren’t tight enough at the waist and there’s no drawstring. Maybe I could put on some shorts and then put my swimsuit over it, then take the swimsuit off in transition? Crap. Maybe, but I won’t be able to test that out before the race. Crap. Why did I wait so long to get shorts? Crap. Why do try shorts have to suck so bad? Arrgg.

Wait.

I’ve got it. My race belt. The number on my race belt should give me enough coverage so all the people at the finish line don’t start projectile vomiting when I come into view.

And if it doesn’t? Hey, everyone loves Elmo, right?

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‘i don’t know how to act’

Posted by tripp 27 Jul 2009

i usually dress up for work. a week or two ago, i wore a t-shirt, which is unusual for me. my favorite underworld tee which says ‘i need sugar.’

and i forgot i had a meeting with external clients. scheduled at the same time as big internal dev meeting.

so i was underdressed for the meeting and had to juggle it with im’s about this other meeting that i was missing.

net result: i appeared as the complete engineering nerd.

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‘everybody thinks i’m high’

Posted by tripp 21 Jul 2009

A couple of weekends ago, I saw a guy with an Iron Maiden “The Trooper” T-shirt. And I realized I’ve never owned a Maiden shirt. And that perhaps I should.

This is also exactly the same feeling I have harbored for years about getting a Mistfits T-shirt. Both have gone unpurchased thus far — every time I think I’ve outgrown the urge, I’ll be reminded that there is still the 8th grader in me. And the 9th. 10th. Freshman in college. And so on.

It’s easy to get old and “professional” and forget about all the crap and silliness that surrounded you as a youth. It’s like smelling cloves when I went roller skating.

Maybe I just need to hang out in San Jose more.

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Parenting: “… in your neighborhood”

Posted by ray 20 Oct 2008

Cute little ‘Bekah. It’s colder now, so you’ve been wearing your jacket here and there. I cannot tell you how it swells my heart when you ask me: “Put my neighbor-hood up?” Gladly, sweetie.

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the chuggernaut

Posted by tripp 18 Jan 2008

the chuggernaut

i want to hang with this guy.

failing that, i want this shirt.

from: lazyrot.com

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2 things that should not go on your head

Posted by tripp 30 Nov 2007

1. meat.

meathead

i don’t spoeak russian, so i can’t explain this, but i can say there are a ton more images of women wearing meat on their heads on this live journal post.

2. creepy knitted stockings.

ski mask

see more of these masks.

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an old adage

Posted by tripp 23 Jul 2007

“clothes make the man”

i believe that i behave not entirely unlike other people. there are many elements in life, many pieces. and one finds a status quo in many, a system that works, and they put it on the backburner. this frees one up to concentrate on other pieces, pieces that perhaps one derives more enjoyment from. to some extent, we all do it. we have to.

but there are pieces that deserve to be revisited from time to time. pieces that deserve to be relearned.

take, for instance, clothes.

many of you have known me for a long time. mike has known me since pre-mullet days. eric has known me since high school. petunia, since college. john and kurt since grad school. all have known various pieces of me, various versions of tripp.

it took rachael many years, but she has slowly weaned me into more ‘adult’ (read: non-baggy) clothes. clothing (and a style) that has been my uniform for years: a pair of jnco’s and a t-shirt. i’m good with that; after years of looking and poking, i have found brands i really like now, brands that look good and fit me.

water under the bridge a bit.

because the real issue, to me, is that i never wear out clothes. and i never really get rid of clothes. why would i? they still fit me, they are still perfectly good.

and last week, i wore a shirt that i have had since junior year of high school. high school. i have had the shirt almost 15 years. and you know what? i put it on and wore it to work. and felt lame the entire day. i did not enjoy wearing it.

that was that. this weekend, i got rid of it, along with some t-shirts, ties and some other shirts. i have taken the (long-overdue) approach of ‘if i don’t like wearing it, get rid of it’. there is no reason to feel less than good. there is no reason to hold on to items i will never wear or wear out of some sort of perverse guilt.

today i wore a tie to work. and unlike one of previous employers, the one who sat me down after i wore a tie to work and told me that i should no longer dress up to come to work, i have gotten compliments today from most everyone in the office. i feel good. i feel like i am dressed as i should be, as i want to be. i’m owning it. (perhaps my favorite comment was from a co-worker who seemed to marvel over the actual tie: ‘where did you find a white tie?’ as if i had performed some sort of strange magic before his eyes. i replied, lamely: ‘a store.’)

feeling good is a mindset.

and i am sure for many of you, you read this and think about how silly i am being, how slow i am to make these realizations. that’s ok — as i said to start with, sometimes it takes a while to revisit topics in life.

i’ve spent the last 6 or 8 months talking, over and over, about getting my life in shape. about getting organized and put back together the way i want to be. this is another piece of the puzzle. it’s quite pleasing to have a timeline, an end goal. and it’s even more pleasing to feel perfectly on track.

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