i don't really get the opportunity to talk about this stuff* anymore (thankfully), so i'm going to take advantage of it. so, yesterday, i had a flex sig. for those of you not in the know and too lazy to click a link to learn more: it's a camera on a little tube thing that goes up your ass.

it's awesome. if you're into that sort of thing.

me? i'm over it mostly and have been for years. i suppose i outgrew it at some point, like clubbing til 4am or smoking cloves.

but had one i did. because i hadn't had one since i was first diagnosed with colitis (6 years ago now), i didn't know what to expect. (that had been my only flex sig; however, i got the pleasure of no less than 4 colonoscopies in the interim.) a lot has changed down there for me and the absence of a large intestine certainly should impact the procedure. plus, there would be biopsies taken. the whole thing sounds pleasant; i'm sitting here now with a scrunched up face just thinking about how pleasant it is.

so i asked for sedation, which they usually don't do for flex sigs. but i have no desire to play hero anymore, to tough things out just because. plus: free drugs. also: i'm tired of cameras up my ass.

but i get in there, after fasting for almost 24 hours, after drinking a (small amount of) liquid to flush you out (10 oz! way better than the gallon needed for a colonscopy) and 2 enemas — clearly the highlight — i let the nurse talk e out of sedation. by the time i was there, i really didn't care. my request for sedation wasn't from worry or fear or even pain; the request was more to skip over the entire episode and just get it over with.

but no sedation. the nurse offered lidocaine gel to minimize the unpleasantness. (lidocaine is a numbing agent that appears everywhere. this, it seems, includes a gel for one's asshole.) the humor began when my doctor said, "this might be uncomfortable. it's my finger."

hm, yes. it was her finger. (and that, dear reader, is what i did yesterday. i had a woman's finger up my ass. what was your highlight?)

and then the finger was out and the camera was in. and then the nurse offered the gel. my doctor responded with, "it's too late for that."

right then. looking forward to it.

so for 10 or 15 minutes, they probed my intestine. about 5 minutes in, i get my glasses back. i'm facing the monitor with the video feed and want to watch. i can't begin to explain how odd it was to be on my side, on a bed, with people doing and saying things behind me — while watching my insides on a tv in front of me. it was some kind of out of body experience.

the really odd part came a couple of times when they would do something — shifting the camera, taking a biopsy — and i was watching it on tv at the same time i could feel it inside of myself. it is almost making me giggle to think about it now, surreal in a way i have never considered.

it turns out, i believe, that your intestines work in a way i'd never considered. they don't pulse, but they act almost like a worm. smooth and straight for a moment, then contracting like a worm, until the walls look like a brain, the skin all folded and wrinkled. and repeat, but not as a pulse, not in any clear rhythm. this is how my body seems to work. it was fascinating to watch my own insides — and that made not being knocked out worth it.

afterwards, i found out they went about 18 inches into me. way farther than i expected or would have guessed. i'm tough. clearly.

afterwards also, i flirted with one of the nurses. not one of the ones who had been in on the procedure, but still. i was mildly horrified with myself, but i figured it was one way of dealing with the entire thing. as i left, i made sure to thank everyone and say, "we'll have to do this again sometime." they laughed.

i went home, felt like crap (pun not intended) and feel asleep by 9.30. i think the lack of food for 20 hours screwed me up. in the end, skipping sedation didn't really buy me a better evening. but at least i'll get pictures in january. it wasn't painful either, which is good to note for the future.

also, everything looks fine — this was my 'once a year checkup.'

* i really ought to sit down and tag all these posts under 'colitis' instead of just a search for it.

things that have happened to me recently:

1. i just had a filling. it was a little one, so it wasn't bad. but the right side of my mouth is all wonky now. i can see it being a little sore as the novocaine wears off. such is life.

2. i just read a 'made in 24 hours' comic about crohns disease. it's really good and sums up a lot of the experiences i had prior to surgery. unfortunately, crohns doesn't have the 'cure' colitis does — namely, removing the offending organ (because crohns impacts both the large and the small intestines). the only exception to my experience in this story was the energy fro 'roids. i was so sick by the time they threw me on them that i didn't even notice — in fact, most of them seemed to almost make me feel worse.

the story about food ads on tv is especially true. i don't talk too much about being sick anymore with anyone but rachael really. if you're new to the game, the hospital saga seems to start around this post — but petunia and carter and roxy all posted stuff around then too from their experiences.

here is a morsel: i was hospitalized and my parents flew out to la. they basically lived in my apartment for the 40 days i was stuck in a hospital bed, making a few flights home to hold down the fort. one of the things they did in the mornings and evenings was clean the apartment. they had nothing else to do and no other outlet for the stress my illness was causing them.

and one day, cleaning, they found the list i had made before i got super-sick. it was titled "foods i will eat again when i am well". it was a solid sheet, though written in sharpie, of foods i missed eating. everything from pizza to biscuits n gravy (which i still haven't had — i'm unsure if this is due to my not really wanting it or just sheer laziness). anyway, the list is depressing and it made my parents cry. and i still have it; i found it in a box last week. maybe ill scan it. but it really is depressing.

so yeah, this comic is pretty much what life was like for me for a (short) while. and now it isn't. it's still not ideal but i have less than zero room for complaining or whining.

3. hima wrote me the other day about patrick. we all know i enjoy the 'the world is so small!' stories. well, this time, it turns out that hima has a friend. this friend is dating a boy. the boy is the brother of patrick's wife. so it seems i am connected to both sides of the family.

hima knew a few details i didn't, but we had to agree that nothing seemed to make sense. of course, we have little information and are sitting a continent away, but still.

that too, is what makes this so weird. i was attached through vcu peeps to all of this, because patrick taught there. and because i know meg. but hima, she is all the way out here with virtually no connection back. but yet, there is one. a fairly direct one. and the fact that she an i know each other just makes it all the more odd.

seriously, how many people do i know that are connected to other people i know, independently of me? the world is tiny.

* * *

seriously, i can't be the only one that freaks out over this article: Tests reveal high chemical levels in kids' bodies

But that fascination soon changed to fear, as tests revealed that their children — Rowan, then 18 months, and Mikaela, then 5 — had chemical exposure levels up to seven times those of their parents.

and then on npr this morning, i hear someone say that the earth has had 5 major extinctions. and we are about to be number 6.

sigh.
its enough to make me want panic in the streets.

i'm exhausted. back at work. it was hard leaving yesterday. i did not like leaving tripp while he was still at the hospital. (its interesting how as far as i know in the US it is appropriate to say 'in the hospital' but we say 'in jail' 'in bed', etc. why do some things have the 'the' and sometimes it is eliminated?)

tripp seems to be doing well. he went 12 hours yesterday without morphine. some of that time he was asleep but i still think its a triumph of sorts. it means that the pain is usually tolerable unless he aggravates himself by sitting up or walking or coughing or laughing.

last night i made a drink that had mandarin and vanilla vodkas mixed with ginger ale. it tasted like a creamsicle.

time to get a move on my work here so i can maybe have time to nap later. i hope i can catch up fairly painlessly in work and school from my week off. biggest worry right now is the thesis.

happy valentine's day, kids.

tripp still has the tube, is still on morphine. today they will do a procedure with a tiny camera to see if they can find a kink in his intestine. if they find a kink, theyll try to work out the blockage with their camera or whatever is attached to the camera. if they find a kink, or if they cant release the blockage, theyll have to do exploratory surgery in late afternoon or early evening.

mom is going out there now. she left me a voicemail around 7 when she was in chicago. she should make it to LA by 10.

i have class at 1 30 and wont be able to post the afternoon update but i will post right after class and let you know what i know. im sorry these updates have not been regular enough. i have been swamped with class and also trying to keep up with updates with mom and guy.

::::::::::::::::::::

tripp came out of the flex sig procedure fine. we dont know what they saw, but he did not have any complications during the procedure. he is currently coming off the anethesia and i am in touch with rachel and mom. i wont have access to my computer tonight, so if you need me, call me. linda and kurt have my number if you need it. i'll post again tomorrow when i get to the studio. tripp's surgery, if he has it, should be by 6pm west coast time tonight.

over the night mom and guy got good news on tripp. his stomach pump has been clamped, which means the tube will be removed and he will be able to get back to normal. they did this b/c his bloodwork and an xray revealed no scar tissue, meaning they think the blockage is something that will heal itself without surgery. which is GREAT news. i guess the only bad news is that i have a friend who has been through all of this (colitis, j pouch, now pouchitis and aenemia) - and he has had two blockages. the first required surgery but went undetected by an xray. he didnt have bloodwork, so i hope that the bloodwork will give tripp's dr's the information they need to make a clean call about his health. so as far as i know, the hospital is going to see what will pass through tripp's system in the next four hours and they will then make a decision on how long he will need to stay in the hospital. i'll update here when i know something more, which i hope will be by 6pm.

i dont have much to update, but here's the deal i do know:

tripp is at the hospital, but does not yet have a room yet. he is waiting in the admittance area because USC does not have an emergency room. rachel is with him. kurt drove them over and i dont know if kurt is still there. tripp's surgeon is there and will see him tonight (i think). linda has talked to mom; i have talked to chris. if you want info, feel free to call me, email through the site, etc etc.

tripp will likely have xrays and blood samples taken tonight, and i guess they will put him on some pain medication. they will determine if this is a blockage (caused by improper digestion, scar tissue, or maybe a twist in his intestines), or if it is something other than a blockage (perhaps gall stones or something else entirely). after that, i dont know what will happen. i think tripp's dr told him he'd have his stomach pumped tonight. when tripp was in the hospital the last time, he said that through all the pain, etc etc, the pumped stomach was the worst thing he had to go through. so i dont know. i feel terrible for him.

i'll update when i know more.

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9 43pm: the deal is this: he is in a room (not private) at USC hospital. he is on 2mg of morphine per hour. last spring it was 6mg per hour, so at least now the pain seems to be a bit lower. they believe it is a blockage, but dont know if it is a food blockage or a blockage caused by scar tissue or something. tonight he will have blood tests done to determine what type of blockage it is. if it is not food, they will operate tomorrow. which means none of us have time to get there to be with him. which SUCKS. if he has surgery, he'll be in the hospital 4-7 days. right now, he's having his stomach pumped. he threw up a couple times before getting to the hospital. and that's about all i know. his surgeon will see him tonight, so that is good. otherwise, im clueless. i miss him. and i wish i lived closer. im so ready to board a 7 10am plane from new haven getting into lax at 3 43pm. arg. the good news is that rachel is there with him. thanks, rachel. many many thanks.

several bits this morning from work:

1. health update. im anemic and have been for about 3 months at least. im about to go on a vitamin routine to help bolster up my blood over the next 3 months. the rest of my tests were clean (from the transfusion). the blood i have passed isnt consistant, so hopefully its not colitis or something higher up internally. apparantly its normal to bleed up to a year after surgery. so hopefully thats all it is.

2. richmond flooded yesterday. linda has more and better stories (since she apparantly was in the middle of it all). her story involves accidents, high water, collapsing buildings and trains. and those are just the tip of the iceberg. shes a little shaken up, but shes at home, safe with the dog. her car, on the other hand, is apparantly tipped like the titantic and has been on the news several times.

(here is a short lesson on richmond. its an old city, as far as things in this country go. built on the james river for shipping, it has spread west over the years. the east side of town is church hill, which is a very tall hill. it goes into a valley where the river is, known as the bottom. the bottom has a lot of warehouses and clubs. then it rises back up into downtown, then the fan (where vcu and apts are. also where matthew lives and i lived when i was there), then the west end (where linda lives) and then the far west end and then short pump.)

linda was stuck yesterday in the bottom when the hurricane struck. the only other thing ive gotten is an email from matthew (yes, we have kinda madeup, that story must wait) with a link to some photos. trevor also im-ed me, so im assuming he is ok. im hoping for more pictures, since im out of theloop out here. linda said water in teh bottom reached 18 feet deep. thats so incomprehensible to me.

3. this jack valenti 'exit interview'. its crazy, the things he says. some things are propagandi (comparing dvds to kitchenware), some are lies (internet2 to market in 18 months) and then some are insane (comparing himself to jfk). way worth a read, if you want to see where the entertainment industry is trying to steer us with their products.

4. school is way too busy. and i think its about to get more insane. oi.

more later.

* * *

trevor sent me this link with some more pics, these 'post-storm'

* * *

after a bit of comparasion, the pic on lindas page is identical to the second and third pics of trevors gallery. except hers is during rainfall and his is after. still, its crazy that they were taken from almost the same spot. it also reinforces that linda was stuck in the worst of it. insanity.

heres a story with pics and video from nbc12.

let's keep the pictures coming kids…

* * *

richmond.com has this story, which also features lindas car. (this picture is one of the ones on trevor's site, btw.) still, its interesting to learn that much of the bottom has been condemned. also, lindas rental car is a giant, 7 person pickup truck. i cant quite picture that eiter, though hopefully she is taking tons of pictures now.

* * *

damn what a day.

eggers is reading at book soup tonight at 8. im going; i need to be a bitch and ask him about my book submission.

tomorrow night is van morrison at the hollywood bowl, which i might try to hit after class.

thurs night is sebadoh at the troubadour, which id like to hit if i finish my thesis work by then.

sunday night is mark farina spinning, which i desperatly need to hear.

any takers on any of these things?

and i still need to see garden state and hero this week, so let me know. i always could use a date and get some of this stuff experienced.