a trio of reflections from my first work week this year:

1)  this is the 3rd of the 4th schools i have worked in that feel it appropriate to engage the faculty in prayer the first day.  how is that okay, really?  is it just because no one's gonna turn them in for fear of becoming tagged as That Asshole Who Hates Jesus?  i just feel uncomfortable on behalf of anyone who doesn't follow a christian belief system.  and uncomfortable because i know it's not right.  why is this okay?  i mean, with all the VA schools i have taught in following this practice, someone somewhere must be giving a green light, right?  or am i just the bigger asshole for being bothered but not voicing my concern?

2)  i am so, so, so over the all-knowing, apple-motif, denim-jumper wearing old lady teachers who think they rule the little elementary school world because they have been teaching the ABCs since the time of noah.  do us all a favor and retire, you prima donna, technology-befuddled, seasonal-sweater-wearing fossils.

3)  did you know that the fabled 'permanent record' really does exist?  at least in VA, it follows you from grade to grade and collects grades and writing samples and state test scores.  it's called your cumulative folder, and is often abbreviated for ease.  it's not so bad when it's said aloud - pronounced CYOOM.  but never will i be unshaken by seeing a note or request for someone's "CUM FOLDER."  seriously?  seriously!

what if for the first 25 years of your life you were blind. lets say you were born blind, grew up that way, were accustomed to not being able to see anything but complete darkness and maybe some blurry shades of light here and there. lets also say that you got married. and your relationship with your significant other was built on personality alone. what sensual, erotic things would you experience with your lover? your knowledge of that person would be on touch, taste, smell, hearing alone. you would never had ever seen them. you would have felt their face, but you would never know color their eyes or hair was.
now, lets say that one day you go into surgery and have new eyes put in. now you can see for the first time. you are for the first time in your life being given a new sense with which to judge how you feel about different aspects of your life. do you think that your perspective on that person might change after seeing them for the first time? or would that be completely shallow and superficial. most people would probably say yes, of course, that would be shallow and superficial. but what if, you see the person for the first time ever that you've spent the last 20 years with, and they are so god awful ugly that you cannot stand to look at them one minute longer? what would you do?

I'm posting today in order to save myself from being kicked off the site. Or, at the very least, losing my primo positioning within the veiwable "window".

I've been up to my neck in my own life, and this time it's serious. Reading through my last post, I'm now thinking that my optimism was a hair on the premature side.

I've run full force up the hill, and cascaded like a prop dummy over that cliff I wasn't expecting. But surprisingly, I didn't die. I'm thinking about another tattoo now, sporting the words "This world won't break me." It's tried… valiently.

I've been reading a lot. Self-help books mostly. It's helped immensely.

Tuesday, I went to see a shrink, a pasty noodle of a man with Sigmund Freud glasses. He asked me all kinds of questions. About my problem. About my past. And my job, my family. Then he prescribed some interesting medications to try out. I'm not sure I like them yet, but I've only tried one so far. I'm going back next week for some psychotherapy treatment, whatever that means. Right now, I'm in it for the experience, and I'm not totally convinced it's going to help. I feel as though I've already done most of the work myself. The really important work that can only be accomplished through practice… and talking with good friends… and meeting new friends… and learning about friends you didn't even know you had… and by acting my age and not like my parents, or the 50-year-olds that surround me constantly at work and at home. The drugs are keeping me sane, but I guess I was hoping for more.

But most of all, I've helped myself by figuring out who I am again and what my ambitions are in life.

So here's a quote I've kept close to my heart for the past few weeks that has helped guide me. Live as though you were living for the second time and are about to act as stupidly as you did the first time.

Apply that to your own lives and see how it works for you.

And read the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It changed my world.

another cityscape….