Dear ESPN,

I, like many of your viewers, am a guy. A guy without a ton of time and the presence of an actual life which precludes me from spending all weekend every weekend watching the games. 

Listen up, because this is where you come in.

What used to be great about ESPN is that a person could watch it and actually get all the sports boiled down into an easily consumable hour (minus your complete and utter disregard for all non-ball sports, but I digress)(…)(…but just to regress for a moment: don't just cover cycling when somebody gets busted for doping, okay?). That was the deal we had. You showed all the important plays, sometimes even in slow-mo and from different angles, and I didn't have to sit through the tedium of actually watching what lately have been amounting to fairly shitty games all around.

Ah, but recently, recently you went and broke that contract. You sullied the bro code.

You went all 24-hour news cycle on us and started just using long shots of pretty talking heads blabbering about what they think and feel about some shit issue. I don't want to watch some pretty face talk about the ramifications of Plaxico Burress' decisions. Used to be, if somebody was going to droll on about an issue like that, you showed actual clips of the player in question playing, not Mr. or Ms. Pretty standing outside the stadium talking into the camera.

Because, honestly, that shit is bor-ing.

In summation: Less pretty; more sports. If I wanted pretty news, I'd watch all the hotties on CNBC tell me how my stock isn't worth a pair of socks from Walmart, 'kay?

how fucked up do you have to be one of the colts fans who boo a 14-year old girl who won an award just because she is wearing a patriots jersey?

i don't care if new england is their biggest rival, she's a 14 year old kid!

that shit gets under my skin.

did you know that spayed female dogs can still compete in some dog shows? their special category is "sexually altered bitches."

i'm kind of obsessed with these NFL fantasy football clips. i don't know if they are real or not, and i'm not sure i care. they actually make me want to play fantasy football.

pick me.