Yeah, you read this right: Mr. T brought boy out of coma.

i don't really get the opportunity to talk about this stuff* anymore (thankfully), so i'm going to take advantage of it. so, yesterday, i had a flex sig. for those of you not in the know and too lazy to click a link to learn more: it's a camera on a little tube thing that goes up your ass.

it's awesome. if you're into that sort of thing.

me? i'm over it mostly and have been for years. i suppose i outgrew it at some point, like clubbing til 4am or smoking cloves.

but had one i did. because i hadn't had one since i was first diagnosed with colitis (6 years ago now), i didn't know what to expect. (that had been my only flex sig; however, i got the pleasure of no less than 4 colonoscopies in the interim.) a lot has changed down there for me and the absence of a large intestine certainly should impact the procedure. plus, there would be biopsies taken. the whole thing sounds pleasant; i'm sitting here now with a scrunched up face just thinking about how pleasant it is.

so i asked for sedation, which they usually don't do for flex sigs. but i have no desire to play hero anymore, to tough things out just because. plus: free drugs. also: i'm tired of cameras up my ass.

but i get in there, after fasting for almost 24 hours, after drinking a (small amount of) liquid to flush you out (10 oz! way better than the gallon needed for a colonscopy) and 2 enemas — clearly the highlight — i let the nurse talk e out of sedation. by the time i was there, i really didn't care. my request for sedation wasn't from worry or fear or even pain; the request was more to skip over the entire episode and just get it over with.

but no sedation. the nurse offered lidocaine gel to minimize the unpleasantness. (lidocaine is a numbing agent that appears everywhere. this, it seems, includes a gel for one's asshole.) the humor began when my doctor said, "this might be uncomfortable. it's my finger."

hm, yes. it was her finger. (and that, dear reader, is what i did yesterday. i had a woman's finger up my ass. what was your highlight?)

and then the finger was out and the camera was in. and then the nurse offered the gel. my doctor responded with, "it's too late for that."

right then. looking forward to it.

so for 10 or 15 minutes, they probed my intestine. about 5 minutes in, i get my glasses back. i'm facing the monitor with the video feed and want to watch. i can't begin to explain how odd it was to be on my side, on a bed, with people doing and saying things behind me — while watching my insides on a tv in front of me. it was some kind of out of body experience.

the really odd part came a couple of times when they would do something — shifting the camera, taking a biopsy — and i was watching it on tv at the same time i could feel it inside of myself. it is almost making me giggle to think about it now, surreal in a way i have never considered.

it turns out, i believe, that your intestines work in a way i'd never considered. they don't pulse, but they act almost like a worm. smooth and straight for a moment, then contracting like a worm, until the walls look like a brain, the skin all folded and wrinkled. and repeat, but not as a pulse, not in any clear rhythm. this is how my body seems to work. it was fascinating to watch my own insides — and that made not being knocked out worth it.

afterwards, i found out they went about 18 inches into me. way farther than i expected or would have guessed. i'm tough. clearly.

afterwards also, i flirted with one of the nurses. not one of the ones who had been in on the procedure, but still. i was mildly horrified with myself, but i figured it was one way of dealing with the entire thing. as i left, i made sure to thank everyone and say, "we'll have to do this again sometime." they laughed.

i went home, felt like crap (pun not intended) and feel asleep by 9.30. i think the lack of food for 20 hours screwed me up. in the end, skipping sedation didn't really buy me a better evening. but at least i'll get pictures in january. it wasn't painful either, which is good to note for the future.

also, everything looks fine — this was my 'once a year checkup.'

* i really ought to sit down and tag all these posts under 'colitis' instead of just a search for it.

so i don't usually do this, but then, i never get these from anywhere other than petunia. so i'll indulge.

april tagged me with a 'say 7 secrets' meme. now, as i said, i don't usually do these things. but i believe april made 2 faulty assumptions here, one building on the other.

the first is that i would see that she had tagged. because other than mentioning it in her post, she didn't give me a heads-up. fine, fine. though i have blogs by friends who i dont read regularly, so i dont think its clear-cut that i would see this.

but the second is the reason i might not have caught it. because april has not told me she is writing online again. i only found out i had been tagged when i noticed some traffic from her site and wondered what the hey was going on. nice one, april. you were in my feeds, but i had shifted folders around and hadn't seen your latest wave of writing. oops.

but here we are, so let's see what seven secrets i can whip out for you that aren't totally obscene, freaky or depressing.

1. i have recently figured out that my job, and indeed, my life, requires a fair amount of control. by me. i think it has to do partly with being sick and lack of control that inflicted upon me.
2. i hate that the skin on my face is fucked up but am loathe to take too much medicine to try to help it. additionally, it got worse after being sick, for whatever reason. every doctor i have ever spoken to about it has refused to believe me that they are related.
3. i had a 20 second crush a few minutes ago as i got on the train. sadly, she sat elsewhere in the train and i will probably never see her again. especially since i'm riding a train that is an hour later than my usual one.
4. though i make myself sick with anxiety in trying to decide if roxy is the right girl for me, i'm also fairly positive i will marry her. though this just increases my anxiety because 'what if she isn't right for me…and i end up with her anyway?' the logic is circular and like every other relationship i have ever been in, i commit myself so totally that i feel completely trapped before there is even any notion of a future.
5. i am listening to 'no more tears' by ozzy right now. and you know? it fucking rules. in fact, i'm going to have to listen to it a second time.
6. ok, that doesn't count as 5, because it really isn't a secret. and this doesn't count as 6 either.
5. i am planning on a large amount of creative output in the next 6 to 8 months. writing, books, animation, drawings, videos and dvds are all on the plate. i'll post as things firm up.
6. i'm terrified of rachael moving for grad school and having to make the decision to move with her or not. this is not so secretly referred to as 'the talk we aren't allowed to have yet.' coupled with secret #4, i believe i have an unwise amount of anxiety about my relationship with her. this too only causes more anxiety.
7. i have, not so tastefully, suggested recently to roxy that we get a girlfriend. and explained the notion by saying it would be like 'getting a dog that talks. and that we could dump.' if you find this to be not so surprising, i would like to say i was at least 33% joking. this, again, may or may not be a secret. but it is somewhat horrible to be admitting publicly. so it stays.

i'm not as high strung as i sound by these; i actually just tried really hard to admit things i don't usually admit. at least in writing, publicly.

plus, ive posted (and will post again tomorrow) so much silliness, i thought i would be serious again for a moment.

and now i think i get to tag 7 people with it.

petunia, aubrey, roxy, madame levy, kurt, lisa, ray and hima (8, because i think hima will rebel. but still, i want to see what she does.)

edit: well fuck. re-reading the meme rules, it's facts, not secrets. so i just said a bunch of personal stuff for no real reason. well, secrets are more interesting than facts, so i'm changing the rules a bit. that's right. secrets it is. if i'm going down, i'm taking you with me. die fish devil!*

* quote from ben in 'mask of evil.' it rolled off my tongue. or something.

i meant to write about this weeks ago, when i first made the appointment.

knowing i was job-shifting, i held off for many months making doctor appointments. and they racked up. when i started work at the big C, i decided that i needed to get my ass in gear. and in one afternoon, i made appointments for all the things i had avoided the previous 10 or 12 months.

dentist. optometrist. dermatologist. couple those with my urologist (remember my lovely kidney stone?) and my gastroenterologist. and finally, allergist.

and here i am today now, at the allergists. getting tested for foods — the foods i can't. the food i haven't eaten since junior year of high school.

soy and peanuts and shellfish.

i had skin tests an hour ago. the scale for these things is a bit loose — foods are ranked 1-4 based on mm of the resulting rash. 3 and 4 are considered 'allergies.' soy gave me a 2. peanuts and shrimp a 3. and oysters a 4. none were huge or bad. none seem serious.

the doctor doesnt think any of these will be a problem. considering i was told years ago that i could eat shrimp, i'm not worried.

i believe we just finished soy. with no reaction. i'm sure i need the doctor's confirmation, but i appear to be all clear for soy. i have asked that peanuts be next. we might not get to shellfish today, so i'm not sure what that will mean.

but yay! soy!

it's going to take a long time to be over this mentally. it's been 14 years of avoiding these foods. man.

1. you can go back in time and end ww2 3 months early. but in order for this to happen, you have to give hitler a bj. a full-on porn one. do you agree to the mission?

ok, that one was easy. because even if you say no in your head, you won't admit to it publicly. a bj for thousands of human lives?

2. scientists have found the perfect food. it provides everything you need nutritionally, has very strong health benefits, is ethical and has a low environmental footprint. there are two downsides: 1. you must eat it and only it for it to have good effects on you. 2. it tastes, literally, like poo. do you go on the diet?

i think i might. even though it would mean never enjoying food again, i think my health is worth more than tasting awesomeness. i'm not sure though.

3. finally: you are in a rock group and have offered to play at a rehab clinic in california. do you open your set with your song who lyrics are: ""Nicotine, valium, vicodin, marijuana, ecstasy and alcohol… c-c-c-c-c-cocaine"?

you do if you are queens of the stone age. jackasses.

vacation always goes by too quickly. even with a week in san diego, i am now able to see that it is quickly winding down. and, even on vacation, i didn't get everything done that i wanted to get done.

i burned out on harry potter, stuck now on #6. i'll finish it while im here, but some of the pleasure has been diminished by reading 1-5 nonstop in 2 weeks. especially when i tallied up the page count.

my kidney is also easing up, which is nice. ive spent a good deal of my time here on painkillers, which isn't as awful as it sounds. the real fun will be friday when i go to have the stent removed. there is supposed to be a string that gets pulled, taking it all out. except the string is mia, meaning i get some do-dad up my peehole to grab it and pull. that will be several minutes of pure pleasure, i am sure.

oh and for those who asked, i asked the doctor about sex before he operated. i got a very confused look and he tried to talk about orgasms awkwardly before deciding to use the word ejaculation. all while motioning with his hands how the 'force' might not be good for everything else down there. rachael turned red and i tried not to laugh.

afterwards, i realized that it probably isn't a normal question. but usually because people have stents out within 2 or 3 days, not a week. and seeing the way i felt in those 2 or 3 days, it makes sense. but now, i'm, uh, ready to have it out, please.

ok, back to chewing through harry potter 6.

so, at long last (again), i believe you have the choice of emailing the author of any post. it isn't perfect yet, but it's 85% of the way there. and functioning, which is the important part.

i'm down in san diego for the week, hanging with the roxy's family and trying to kick this kidney stone pain. its been not too terrible, due mainly to my prescription of percocet. though i did swim for quite a while today and have been slowly taking less of the painkillers — i bet 3 is my max today, compared to 4 yesterday and 4 on friday. seeing that i havent had any since 7.30 am, it seems a good sign.

while i am down here, i am going to try to spend at least an hour a day on the site; there are some pieces that are desperate for repair. that's one task, another is to finish reading harry potter. i decided to re-read them all before jumping into book 7. so for the past 2 weeks, i have been reading reading reading. i'm halfway done with 5 right now — which is also saying something, considering i started it right before bed last night and it weighs in at 850 pages. 425 pages in 18 hours isn't shabby.

yeah, that's about it for today. yay kidney aches and pains!