horror

Next >

Triathlon: I’m a wookie and tri shorts suck

Posted by ray 23 Jun 2010

The triathlon is in a few days and at long last I’ve finally picked up a pair of tri-shorts. I can’t say I’m entirely thrilled with them. They don’t have the fit, coverage or support of bike shorts. Nonetheless, today was the day–the fateful day–to try them in all three disciplines and see if they’d be alright.

I hopped in the pool and knocked out a couple hundred yards before scurrying off to spin class. While the shorts are tight in places they shouldn’t be (across the hamstrings) and not tight enough in others (who wants a loose crotch, really?), I figured they be good enough.

Then I hit the run.

First off, I’d like it if skin tight clothing was actually snug enough to keep all the man bits in one place. After about a mile everything found their respective spots and settled in for the rest of the run. Okay. Smooth sailing. Good to go.

Or so I thought.

Upon getting of the treadmill, I passed a middle-aged woman with wide, stunned eyes that seemed to be directed to my crotch. Couldn’t be, I told myself and walked on by. Then I looked down and saw what will most definitely haunt that poor woman’s nightmares tonight. All my bright red pubic hair was trying to escape en masse through the fabric of the shorts.

Aww, hell.

It looked like I was trying to smuggle an Elmo doll in my shorts.

As I tried to nonchalantly obscure my junk with my water bottle and sweat towel, my mind clicked on that familiar bees-buzzing panic soundtrack of “whatamIgonnadowhatamIgonnadowhatamIgonnado?”

Awesome. So the tri is a few days away and the only pair of tri shorts I own apparently thinks it’d be funny to get me arrested for indecent exposure. Surely it’s not enough torture to simply cause a little chafing on the inner thighs or give me heinous muffin top. Nope. Nooo. Instead, let’s show the whole world fat boy’s down-there-hair.

What am I going to do? I don’t have enough time to run out, buy another pair of shorts, work out in them in all three disciplines and *hope* that those don’t make me look like some sort of sex criminal. What the hell is up with tri-shorts anyway? Why can’t they be at least as discreet at bike shorts. That’s right: tri shorts make my bright orange bike shorts look like formal wear. Instead of strangling my hamstrings (I’m thinking I’m going to NEED those somewhere in the race!), maybe give me a few more inches of length and hit above the knee, eh? Instead of riding low so everyone behind me can get a great view of my tramp stamp that pale white area right above my ass crack, maybe give me another half an inch so the jersey bottom will meet up whilst I’m on the bike? Or, you know, how ‘bout maybe, just maybe BEING THICK ENOUGH IN CERTAIN SPOTS SO NOT EVERYONE CAN SEE MY BALL HAIR.

Just a thought.

What am I going to do? I’m still on the fence about shaving my chest. There is NO WAY I’m shaving my junk for this race. Maybe I could wear a pair of actual bike shorts? But then what about the swim? They aren’t tight enough at the waist and there’s no drawstring. Maybe I could put on some shorts and then put my swimsuit over it, then take the swimsuit off in transition? Crap. Maybe, but I won’t be able to test that out before the race. Crap. Why did I wait so long to get shorts? Crap. Why do try shorts have to suck so bad? Arrgg.

Wait.

I’ve got it. My race belt. The number on my race belt should give me enough coverage so all the people at the finish line don’t start projectile vomiting when I come into view.

And if it doesn’t? Hey, everyone loves Elmo, right?

Popularity: 1% [?]

2 Comments

Virginia Tech: That I May Serve

Posted by ray 17 Apr 2010

The entire family is piled into the boy’s bed tonight and we’re doing our nightly ritual where we each say the worst and best thing that happened that day, and what we’re looking forward to tomorrow. It’s a nice way to wrap up the day, for the kids to express what is on their minds, and for us to prepare ourselves for the coming day.

As we lay there tonight, my mind wandered to the thirty-two fellow Hokies who were killed three years ago. Some of them would be getting ready to graduate, looking for jobs. Some would be settling into careers, and Dr. Librescu might be pondering retirement. Maybe.

And maybe, I thought, some of them would have had kids. And they might have been tucking in their own sweet little angles tonight, too.

That’s when my minds eye could see the fantastically complex branches of lives and families and generations spanning out into infinity. And here are these thirty two branches that might have been. They turn dark and disappear in smoke, cut short by the bullets of insanity.

For the young ones, the ones that weren’t already married and into their family lives, those branches will never happen. I think about their soul mates never getting to meet them, never falling in love with them and having the families they should have had. So, it isn’t just the horror of the act that day. It reverberates through time, through generations, in what might have been.

And now that my own sweet angels are sleeping, I sit in the dark thinking of Dr. Librescu. Of the reports that the 76-year-old Romanian held the classroom door shut so his students would have time to get out through the windows. I think about the students who did make it out of Norris Hall that day, that their branches didn’t evaporate that day, thanks to a man who survived the Holocaust, taught for many years at Tech, and met his end while teaching.

Ut Prosim.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Leave a comment

Year-By-Year With Friday The 13th

Posted by tripp 31 Oct 2009

This is old, but the fascination of myself and John with Friday the 13th continues. He sent this to me yesterday; I’m passing it on as a Halloween treat. The A.V. Club does a year-by-year with Friday The 13th

Sadly, because it’s old, it doesn’t include the newer film — but I’ll go so far as to say (again) see the new one and then part 10. Done and done.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Leave a comment

‘paranormal activity’

Posted by tripp 20 Oct 2009

I saw Paranormal Activity late in the day today because 1. Rachael was in class and 2. because I thought it was still only playing in a few select cities. (2. turns out to be totally false.)

How was it, you might ask?

Actually, firstly, you might ask ‘what is it?’
It’s a teeny tiny film made for 11k in a week in 2007 that Paramount/Spielberg bought (to remake) and have since decided to screen and show. It’s a horror film ala Blair Witch. The trailers for it are on the official site, but youtube, apple and all have them too.

OK, so it’s a freaky ‘demonic poltergeist/possession/haunted house’ movie. And how is it?

Well, considering the hype, considering April texted me last week saying it made her cry it was so scary, I expected big things. And it turned out to be good, not great. Well worth seeing, but not as freaky as I expected.

And I really don’t want to ruin anything, simply because it’s a pretty basic movie, plot-wise. So saying much would totally color your fun.

Worth seeing, even in the theater — which is high praise coming from me. A solid ‘B’ mainly because it reminded me just a little bit too much of the aforementioned Blair Witch…without offering too much new in the scares department.*

Just see it.

* Please note I’d say there are some exceptions to this. But no, I’m not going to say what they might be.

Popularity: 1% [?]

1 Comment

Friday the 13th (2009) — a review

Posted by tripp 19 Feb 2009

Friday the 13th (2009) is really good.

Take a breath, relax and re-read that sentence. It isn’t a typo. I say B+. And I say this having seen all the other ones (and the past 2 in the theater) with John several years ago. This is the post where he reviews the first 10; here is a great montage of all the deaths in those same 10 movies.

There is a caveat, however: you have to like the notion of Friday the 13th movies. You have to enjoy Jason, teenage dumbassery, tits, unrelenting murders and the usual horror movie tropes. But this movie is one that does all of this very, very well.

Firstly, the movie combines the strongest plot points from the first 4 original movies into a single cohesive narrative. (Sidenote: It is sad to me that out of 12 films, only 5 of them have actually opened on a Friday the 13th.) This is not a huge feat (much in the way summarizing a porn franchise into a single film), but it impressive the amount of respect given to the original material — and the fact that it works so well.

Secondly, it’s fun. It has several jokes in it that work. Jason X (In Space) had some genius moments and great jokes in it; theose were all self-aware of the history of the franchise. In this new film, the jokes work mostly as commentary on the genre itself, self-aware in much the same way Scream was — the jokes are not gags, but nods to the ver notion of teenage slasher films.

The movie itself is heavily influenced by the Rob Zombie type of horror movie — not only did Zombie direct the remake of Halloween a few years ago (which, originally, Friday the 13th was created to capitalize off of way back in the day), but the very atmosphere and design decisions of the film are clearly influenced from Zombie’s other movies.

There seems to be a sweeping trend between these Michael Bay produced remakes (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes*, Friday the 13th, The Amityville Horror, The Hitcher and next year’s remake of Nightmare on Elm Street) and Zombie’s films — a fear of rural life and “backwoods” mentality. Now, this isn’t a new topic in film — Straw Dogs and Deliverance spring to mind immediately.

But I think this trend, in horror, is somewhat new. The original Friday the 13th premise focused around sex=death for teenagers; Jason was an avenging moral executioner. Now, however, sex is included because it is expected and sells; no longer are teenagers punished for screwing; they are punished for intruding. (You can also make the argument that this is not new either — even the miserable Hallowen Resurrection (2002) revolves around student intruding on Michael Myers space as opposed to him actively seeking out victims.

The easiest example in the new Friday the 13th film is this: Jason has tunnels. Dug out, earth-worn tunnels under buildings in the camp. When I told a friend, his response was, “Jason doesn’t dig! That’s not a skill he has.” This is true. Or was. Regardless, I find it interesting that the film becomes more about Jason punishing those that intrude upon his primitive and rural space (the Camp) instead of actively seeking out victims that he then passes moral judgment upon.

It’s also really interesting to me that the fear of rural life is so overwhelmingly visible in horror films right now. This is marked comparsion to imported Asian horror films of the last 10 years or so — which are all about fear of technology and scientific irresponsibility (The Ring, The Eye, The Host). Watch “House of 1000 Corpses” and then “Friday the 13th.” The influences are unmistakable.

* Not actually produced by Michael Bay, but I’m throwing it in because I believe it squares up here.

Popularity: 1% [?]

1 Comment

the best comment i got from hank today

Posted by tripp 5 Jan 2008

“Jesus, everybody’s dead!”

Her thesis statement about my second novel. We spoke* for almost two hours about the book and she said this several times. It made me laugh every single time.

* iChat video conferencing with her in Japan and me sitting on my futon. I never have a reason to do this, but man, it really does rock.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Leave a comment

‘from out of their hiding places…’

Posted by tripp 31 Oct 2007

it’s halloween.

so spooky halloween to you! i point you to this discobelle post of fun halloween music. i am currently rocking out to the halloween mix*. loudly, as i am the only one in the office right now.

(* track 15 on this mix: The Bulgarian (ft. Spoek) – The Zombie Door (Vox version) turns out to be rather filthy. the chorus seems to be ‘jack it like a zombie’ repeated. just letting you know so you don’t, say, for instance, blast it in your place of work for everyone to hear.)

due to a miscommunication of sorts, half the team is working in san jose today, with two of us up here in the city. not a big deal, but annoying, as i had to buy a train ticket to get up here. goodbye 11 dollars it turns out i didn’t need to spend.

also, mike sent me a list from the av club of bad horror movie villians. shockingly, i have not seen most of these films. more shockingly, mike claims to have. and triply shocking — morty, from ‘the fear’, jack frost (the evil snowman) from ‘jack frost’, or the gingerbread man from ‘the gingerdead man’ are not represented. i might have to call sheningans on the article now.

also, i need to tell you the taglines for ‘jack frost’: “He’s chillin…and killin”
and for ‘the gingerdead man’: “Out of the oven… and into your heart!”
wow.

and i am in a funk. for a multitude of reasons.

but this morning, walking into the office, i passed an older, bald man with horns attached. i, myself, am wearing my old devil ‘headband’ which is an easy, lazy, pretend costume. but it was great fun to pass someone else in the street who had dressed up the same way. we said hello to each other and it made me smile a lot.

that made the trip up here worthwhile, i would say.

in other news, robert goulet died. this is not huge news and, sadly, i remember him most for his excellent emerald nuts ad last superbowl.

and if we want to really cheapen his memory, how about will ferrell impersonating him singing the thong song?

Popularity: 1% [?]

1 Comment

Next >