i'm exhausted. back at work. it was hard leaving yesterday. i did not like leaving tripp while he was still at the hospital. (its interesting how as far as i know in the US it is appropriate to say 'in the hospital' but we say 'in jail' 'in bed', etc. why do some things have the 'the' and sometimes it is eliminated?)

tripp seems to be doing well. he went 12 hours yesterday without morphine. some of that time he was asleep but i still think its a triumph of sorts. it means that the pain is usually tolerable unless he aggravates himself by sitting up or walking or coughing or laughing.

last night i made a drink that had mandarin and vanilla vodkas mixed with ginger ale. it tasted like a creamsicle.

time to get a move on my work here so i can maybe have time to nap later. i hope i can catch up fairly painlessly in work and school from my week off. biggest worry right now is the thesis.

happy valentine's day, kids.

tripp still has the tube, is still on morphine. today they will do a procedure with a tiny camera to see if they can find a kink in his intestine. if they find a kink, theyll try to work out the blockage with their camera or whatever is attached to the camera. if they find a kink, or if they cant release the blockage, theyll have to do exploratory surgery in late afternoon or early evening.

mom is going out there now. she left me a voicemail around 7 when she was in chicago. she should make it to LA by 10.

i have class at 1 30 and wont be able to post the afternoon update but i will post right after class and let you know what i know. im sorry these updates have not been regular enough. i have been swamped with class and also trying to keep up with updates with mom and guy.

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tripp came out of the flex sig procedure fine. we dont know what they saw, but he did not have any complications during the procedure. he is currently coming off the anethesia and i am in touch with rachel and mom. i wont have access to my computer tonight, so if you need me, call me. linda and kurt have my number if you need it. i'll post again tomorrow when i get to the studio. tripp's surgery, if he has it, should be by 6pm west coast time tonight.

over the night mom and guy got good news on tripp. his stomach pump has been clamped, which means the tube will be removed and he will be able to get back to normal. they did this b/c his bloodwork and an xray revealed no scar tissue, meaning they think the blockage is something that will heal itself without surgery. which is GREAT news. i guess the only bad news is that i have a friend who has been through all of this (colitis, j pouch, now pouchitis and aenemia) - and he has had two blockages. the first required surgery but went undetected by an xray. he didnt have bloodwork, so i hope that the bloodwork will give tripp's dr's the information they need to make a clean call about his health. so as far as i know, the hospital is going to see what will pass through tripp's system in the next four hours and they will then make a decision on how long he will need to stay in the hospital. i'll update here when i know something more, which i hope will be by 6pm.

i dont have much to update, but here's the deal i do know:

tripp is at the hospital, but does not yet have a room yet. he is waiting in the admittance area because USC does not have an emergency room. rachel is with him. kurt drove them over and i dont know if kurt is still there. tripp's surgeon is there and will see him tonight (i think). linda has talked to mom; i have talked to chris. if you want info, feel free to call me, email through the site, etc etc.

tripp will likely have xrays and blood samples taken tonight, and i guess they will put him on some pain medication. they will determine if this is a blockage (caused by improper digestion, scar tissue, or maybe a twist in his intestines), or if it is something other than a blockage (perhaps gall stones or something else entirely). after that, i dont know what will happen. i think tripp's dr told him he'd have his stomach pumped tonight. when tripp was in the hospital the last time, he said that through all the pain, etc etc, the pumped stomach was the worst thing he had to go through. so i dont know. i feel terrible for him.

i'll update when i know more.

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9 43pm: the deal is this: he is in a room (not private) at USC hospital. he is on 2mg of morphine per hour. last spring it was 6mg per hour, so at least now the pain seems to be a bit lower. they believe it is a blockage, but dont know if it is a food blockage or a blockage caused by scar tissue or something. tonight he will have blood tests done to determine what type of blockage it is. if it is not food, they will operate tomorrow. which means none of us have time to get there to be with him. which SUCKS. if he has surgery, he'll be in the hospital 4-7 days. right now, he's having his stomach pumped. he threw up a couple times before getting to the hospital. and that's about all i know. his surgeon will see him tonight, so that is good. otherwise, im clueless. i miss him. and i wish i lived closer. im so ready to board a 7 10am plane from new haven getting into lax at 3 43pm. arg. the good news is that rachel is there with him. thanks, rachel. many many thanks.

its sunday morning, 11.00 am. and i am a free man once again.

im home, out of the hospital.

what does this mean?

it means i live not only with john, but for the next few days, i live with both of my parents here at the apartment. they will drive me crazy.

it means i have internet again. this is a good thing.

it means that i wasnt in very long. the surgery went smoothly and quickly on wed and things progressed pretty quickly from there. though i didnt respond well to the morphine this time and threw up a bit on fri morning. all this means that its only been 4 days since i was cut open and rewired again. i havent had too much time to heal. so im sore, tired, on pain meds and get pretty awful cramps when i eat. but my insides seem to be slowing down some, so i think in the future, the frequent bathroom breaks souldnt be too awful.

the hospital was much more boring this time, the drugs were worse and it just wasnt a real fun time. so im glad to be home but want desperatly to continue improving quickly so i can be at some level of normalcy before i try and make it up to seattle next week.

more later i am sure. (also, as i will have little energy, im sure ill be within reach of my laptop the next week. so if youre bored, feel free to chat me up. goodness knows ill be bored a lot i imagine.)

* * *

so im miserable and bored. i tried laying on my side a little while ago and it felt like my insides were coming out. or at least shifting like mad. so thats out. i spent the afternoon in bed, reading 'knightfall' (which isnt very good) and catching up with people. there is no tv in here and i simply couldnt sit in a chair anymore. so it seems ive traded the joy of tv in bed in the hospital for my own bed and internet. sure, its nice to be home. but i feel pretty darn rotten. no, not rotten. sick. sore. knotted inside.

for those of you keeping score though, i went to the bathroom only 3 times yesterday and only once so far today. thats good. (though im tired of everyone asking if im excited about being able to poop again. seriously. ive been asked this by almost everyone. frankly, i havent really missed it. too much info: i had to give myself enemas during the last few months and that part of my body was still producing lining even though poo wasnt going through. so stuff was still coming out of my ass. so no, i didnt miss poo coming out. and im not all that excited about it coming out again. though when you consider what kind of hell i went through with the blood and all coming from my ass, its no wonder i could take it or leave it. im just surprised at how many people asked about it.)

something to do very soon - move my writing playlist to this machine along with the mp3s on it. though being able to stream from my other machine through itunes is soooooo sweet. if it would only mark the songs as played when i played them over a network connection. im so fucking picky.

up early, as usual. my mom has taken my sis out to see the sites and learn where ralph's is. im listening to howard stern - something i kept meaning to do when i was up early and kept forgetting to get a radio in the hospital.

so what did i do while i was there?

mostly, i watched tv. very unexciting, right?

except ive seen every commercial on tv in the la area for the past 5 weeks. no, seriously.

my favorites: the planters peanuts ads, which seem to run only on espn and espn2; the ax body spray commercials; the jet blue comercials and the tahoma truck and volvo commercials (only because have small print saying the representations of their cars in the ads dont have anything to do with their actual products).

i also got addicted to yu-gi-oh. its on 6 times a day; i think i missed it only about 6 times in the 38 days i was there.

its time to get on bit torrent and find episodes and such.

i still weigh between 121 and 123. nuts.

my back is sore. my cousin says this could last up to 2 weeks. yuck.

so heres another post from the hospital. this one is several weeks later and most certainly while i was on drugs. i scanned this one, not for legability, but just to watch the handwriting degrade.

april 17

11.50pm

a fever, 4mg of morphine, adavan and im coasting. its tough to try and be creative now the way i feel (up and down, infection, etc). but i want to try.

flying through space, feeling close and far and drifting past things i cant touch. the bed sits up and i feel locked in panaramas of dining room chairs fly through in miniture pine. where is the family to fill it? wher are we - the chairs exist in a void like me flying through space. open it up, open it up. dont let them start. i shouldnt put the pen down because that could let to ghost writing. not that i would mind.

these are the things in my head.

im so tired.

wowsers. kids, this is what drugs will do to you. burroughs it aint. but funny enough to share.

back to bed i go.

i still weigh 121. bah. my bag has been outputting stuff that seems a step backwards for a day or two. sad.

maybe itll all turn around soon. on the brighter side, that iv bruise ive had since my colonscopy is almost gone. amazing how fast your body heals when you eat real food and not through an iv. remember this kids. i also got 2 new pain prescriptions. so i have 3 painkillers to pick from, though vicadin is hardly a choice. i think the one i used today is the best - it put me down for about 45 after i took them. i feel like some sort of addict with so many choices and bottles. but if one of them helps my back and kidneys, i wont complain at all.

i have ordered a bunch of stuff online. oops.

carter gets here tonight. shes in the air now. my mom will leave in the morning. the changing of the guard. shes been great. she doesnt think so, only because she hasnt cooked. so she wants to spend the afternoon preparing foods in the kitchen.

i have 5 posts i wrote in the hospital. some were while i was on morphine, some not. ill get around to posting them all, but here is the first. its rather long and its important to realize when it was written - over a month ago and after i had been in the hospital less then a week.

'be brave, clenched fists'

april 1, 6:10am

its not a kind habit. true.

i have a lot of people i consider friends. in fact, i probably use the definition too liberallly. i trust too easily.

im not a terribly thoughtful person though. i am terrible with birthdays, dont really enjoy giving presents and dont always follow up with my friends as often as i should. (in some cases, people argue it becomes a one-sided thing, others seem as laid back as i am.)

all of these are reasons for the site. it has allowed me to have contact with the most important people in my life. (there are notable exceptions here - maybe 6 to 8 people have not expressed interest or declined when asked.)

lets come back to this. the morphine will make it easier. (i just had a hard core craving for an otter pop.)

my situation is a mess. im up and down every four hours. infection seem to be a huge deal and im on (i think) 4 different anti-biotics now. blood continues to flow out of me freely, as it has for the past week plus. there have been times, before i came in and since, where i have thought i was going to die. ive alluded to it before. it is perhaps one of the strangest feelings i have ever encountered.

i think i will be a different person in many ways when i get out of here.

back to my previous thoughts.

ive been in here now 8 days. during this time, i have watched, detatched as people move around, towards, away from me.

its been tough not judge people (friends) equally here. it seems case-by-case, which, obviously makes it more difficult.

the easiest thing sitting here would be to go down the list of people i love and how they have handled me. but thats not fair and tacky.

what i do want to say is that quite a number of people - people both close to me as well as what might be termed as aquaintances have done nothing.

im not an attention whore. im not trying to whine or guilt people. but you call me a good friend and then do nothing? ive gotten cards, plants, presents, prayers, text messages, voice mail from people.

and others have written my three fates (roxy, carter linda) to pass along a message to me.

ive been saying for months how my patience for bullshit has diminshed.

this might finally be the kick in the head ive needed to cut a lot of the bs from my life and value the people i need to be loving.

ah, hello morphine.

i wish i could share the 100 books ive written while on this drug. sadly they are lost forever - the biggest fragment i have is of the general and priest arguing.

time to nod.

i would like to point out that i was on morphine this entire time, it just put me out at that point. also, most of the people i was referring to did end up coming through and contacting me on some level. everyone has their own way and time period. i was just surprised at the time. and on drugs. my mother keeps telling me all the things they told me i dont remember. so that entry sounds a lot more bitter then it should have in retrospect. nonetheless, there are some people who hurt my feelings pretty badly. time will tell…